All the Time - Intellectual

I have one person show up to where I am. Funny, he actually flew to New York because he knew I was going to be in New York. It’s very romantic, but also a bit scary. “Are you okay?” But he didn’t come on his own. He brought a few friends so that it would look normal. But yeah, he came to my show and I was like, “Sick. See ya.” I didn’t even know he was coming for me. He told me afterwards and I didn’t believe him, but apparently that was the truth.

Sometimes it hurts you, it hurts seeing the person you loved have a good time without you. And sometimes, I mean, I just know for myself, sometimes social media isn’t real. So whatever people go through, they usually don’t show it on their social medias. So it’s definitely, mental health, don’t check Instagram because sometimes people put stuff on there pretending to be all happy, having a good time, following all these cute people. And that’s also a way way of coping with being sad. You know what I mean? To try and have a good life or that people think you have a good life, but really no one really knows what anyone goes through. So social media isn’t real. That’s why I try my best to stay off it and heal in my own time.

Because a lot of the times you want to have this persona or you want people to think that you are okay, but really are you crying out, because I know you’re not crying out. I can see that. But are you crying out inside.

Yeah, when you break up with someone and you know that this is the best thing. We’re not a match and you do you and I do me, and I’m all good. And then this was me, right? So I was all good. I was like, “Haha, I don’t care. I’m single.” And then I saw my ex. He replied to a comment for someone who’s like cute or whatever, and he replied an emoji and I was like, “Aaah.” And that fucked me out for like two whole days. An emoji? I didn’t think I cared. But apparently it was a wake up call. Like, “Oh wow. I’m single. I forgot that you’re also single. No, you’re supposed to cry over me for me. But that’s just life. And of course I can’t be selfish. I’m living my life, they are living their lives. And that’s the way it should be. But it is emotionally hard.

I think when you really want to be with someone your mind tricks you and it’s like you see this person everywhere. Especially smells. I don’t know what it does to your memory, but it’s like, wow, that’s just puts me right back into a specific time. You go out to this place and eat. It’s like, “Oh.” Every time I eat ramen it’s like, “Oh, we used to eat ramen.”

I think when you’re in the situation of thinking about someone, a part of you does want to get them out of your head. It takes a lot of energy to just consume your mind with this one person. And yeah, you’re just caught in it. Even though it is quite nice to think about someone, it’s also quite annoying, you know what I mean? So I’m just caught in this feeling and I can’t help myself. I’m in this little tiny prison of my emotions.

This part just goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like the thoughts in your head. It does so much to the song. That’s the catchy part, that’s the hooky part for me at least.

It’s like ah, you look at the bed and it’s like, “Oh, how can I ever bring someone else here in this bed? This is our bed and this is our floor and this is our kitchen and this is …” You know what I’m saying? When you’ve been with someone for such a long time and you have these memories.

I don’t know why the brain does this, but it’s like it’s tricking you into thinking that everything was good. When it’s over and then everything settled down, you don’t talk anymore. Then your brain’s like, “Hmm, why did we break … Was it really that bad?” We did all of this, you think about all the good stuff, you think about all the stuff that you miss and it’s like, “Maybe the bad part wasn’t that bad. Maybe I should calm him up and see what he’s doing.” But usually there’s a reason, got to remind yourself that there is a reason that we’re not together. And I know in the moment when we broke up, that’s what I wanted. So yeah, but it’s hard.

I write everything down in my notes. If I’m being dramatic, because I’ve learned, I’m very impulsive and then I’m like, “Fuck”. You know, like, “Oh.” I’m happy that you can take back messages on Instagram and WhatsApp. But I usually write it in notes. If it’s something serious or if I take this person, I don’t know, I write it in my notes and then I look at it for two days. And if I’m like, “Yeah, I’m going to send that,” then I’ll send it. But usually if I’ve been looking at it for two days, I’m like, “That’s so embarrassing. Delete.” And then I’ll just, “Why would I text this person?” And for sure my notes have turned into songs. I would say a lot on my upcoming album is like just tiny thoughts. It doesn’t have to be a full page, but just stuff that you think about. And it’s a very good way of … It’s like therapy a little bit, and then you put some melody to it and it’s pretty honest. And I feel that people like when it’s from you, from your feelings and when you’re being authentic. And yeah, you can save it for later if it’s too hard to talk about at the moment. But definitely it’s a good thing to just write everything down even if you don’t want to do anything with it.