[Intro]

Irrevocability

That's the word that defeated me

At the 1992 Ohio Spelling Bee

I can still fill the irony

Because "irrevocability" means you can't take something back

And I'd give anything I owned if I could take just one more crack

At the word that I spelled in my head so many times

Since then, it's killing me

The Napkins learned at a very young age

About irro-irrevocability

[Verse]

I wanna tell you all about how I got ix-nayed

Picture Mr. Napkins back in the sixth grade

My hair was still straight 'cause I was prepubescent

I wore a jean jacket that I'd gotten as a Hanukah present

And it seemed way cool

To my sheltered friends at my Jewish day school

Hebrew, not Latin; shalom, not shillalys

More scary than nuns, our teachers were Israelis

So one day they announced a spelling bee

And I beat everybody else at my elementary

Went to regionals, and before I knew

What was happening, I was one of the top two

My opponent missed the word "cirrhosis"

And I was like, "Grandpa had that, I know this!

Yes!" And I took first place and went on to states

For my date with fate

So now we cut to me at my statewide bee

Which was held in my hometown of Cincinnati

Kids everywhere like a horde of locusts

But I was tryna act like a Ford and focus

The top three would go to DC

And compete nationally on TV

Specifically on ABC, which, appropriately

Was the network that broadcast the spelling bee

I spelled 'til my vision was blurred

And perser-verred 'til it was me and three nerds

I stepped forward when my turn occurred

I heard my word and I was like "Word!"

I knew just what letters to say

And I looked those judges right in the eye and said:

"I-R-R-E-V-O-K-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y"

(imitating loud and long buzzer)

Irrevocability

The Lee Harvey Oswald to my Jack Kennedy

And the consolation prize that they gave to me

Was a Merriam-Webster's Dictionary

Jeez, wow, how twisted and sadistic were they being

It's like offering a free ski lesson to a guy

Who just fractured both of his legs skiing

And I'm still grieving

I can't fix that pain, it sticks into my memory

It's not I-R-R-E-V-O-K

It's I-R-R-E-V-O-C

[Outro]

I-R-R-E-V-O-C, I-R-R-E-V-O-C, I-R-R-E-V-O-C (No, Napkins; bad, Napkins; wrong Napkins! Why, Napkins?)

I-R-R-E-V-O-C, I-R-R-E-V-O-C, I-R-R-E-V-O-C (Dooms, Napkins; fail, Napkins; shame, Napkins; die, Napkins!)

This isn't funny, it's therapy

Irrevocability, huah!