"In keeping with the WXTL's practice of presenting the most immediate and complete reports of local blood and guts news, TV-40 presents what is believed to be a television first. In living colour, exclusive coverage of an attempted suicide."

Rehearsing in the mirror

I need it to look right

When showtime comes, you mark my words

This will be my night

I’ve planned my death to be broadcast to thousands

You all will watch me die

Right before your eyes

Mentally traumatised

Blood and guts certified

Are you satisfied?

Huh? huh?

Is everybody satisfied?

I always dreamed I'd be on TV

The thrill of people watching me

I've waited for this moment my whole life

And now’s my time to shine

The way they've done my makeup

The way they've done my hair

It couldn't be more perfect

I'm ready for the air

The moment's almost here

I've got my Glock prepared

I place it to my temple

And smile in my chair

Oh yeah

Down the lens I stare

Tonight the premiere

I hope you're tuning in to

The end of my career

They told me "if it bleeds, it leads"

And I’m about to make history

In living colour, a TV first

This is my final script

I always dreamed I’d be on TV

The thrill of people watching me

I've waited for this moment my whole life

And now’s my time to shine

Lights, camera, action

Decorated set

With pieces of my head

Thank you all for watching

A night you won't forget