12. Dispense

There are no more days I care to see, I'm just so tired & sick....I need eternal rest....

Depressed a mess still

Someone brought me to life inside again then they brutally killed

Everything's the same in the burning flames

Can't pass or thrash the pain, can't turn the page

Life's a bad dream yeah so it's time to break up the pain with lead to my brain

What I feel is formidable your lies are unforgivable

You'll be terrified seeing the psycho inside

Wrapped & trapped in tight with no release

& it's making me a monster when I want & need peace

Every decision I make seems to dull I'm full of exhaustion every time dawn hits

I think how far goals reach till somethin' stops it

Hope, love, faith, & belief I lost it

Death is a high curiosity I feel it's worth a try

I'm fading away staying alive

(Chorus)

No reason no belief

All treason no relief

No more pain 'cause I am no more

Everything abandoned me but can't no more

Time after time I push on but why?

I don't feel a damn change as I walk in the light

There's a demon inside that I must rid

So, here I am again gun to my chin

Questions for solutions like "how" "why" & "when"

I been having this thought I don't know long it's been

There is no more agony that I can bare

Decadence inside me & it's filling up faster

An endless chapter for a hopeless bastard

I shall finally end all of hate's fuckin' laughter

I'm so tired of my efforts goin' nowhere in use

I think it's time for me to just light the damn fuse

Abuse is all I seem to be rewarded for holdin' more of a reason to be forever sleeping 6 deep in

How can I can hold on to something I lost?

I feel nailed to the cross as blood pours long

I don't need hallucinogenics to drag me down

I'd rather hit rock bottom with a crashing sound

Do not think I'm suggesting you to follow

It's personal & I say fuck tomorrow

I'm sorry I am for making your life somber

It's aright, blame me for making it longer

I mean that I do but I'm done feeling worthless

I belong dead I fuckin' deserve it

You should of valued every aching moment when I was here

Years of the clouding, now my sky clears

Headache from head to toe burning up my soul

I got nothing else to turn to 'cept a bullet hole

Maybe I'll catch up with my friends & my mom

So, she can slap around a failure & tell me I was wrong

Life is killing me, I'm ending the suffering

My gift to the world turned out to be nothing

I tried to be recognized but the world lives blind

They were afraid to look in my eyes

Those that turned their back on me do not cry

You & I both know your care is a lie

People at my funeral pretending like they're missing me

Now you wish I was here, before you were dissing me

I can finally find out myself what's on the other side

Satan? God? I been waiting long

I got bashed an lied to all my life

Even the truest I thought would never hit me with that knife but they did

& I can't let it go, now I can't change my mind

This is what I chose

[Sigh] Shit....fuck it!