Tech Support for Dad - Intellectual

[Verse 1]

It had been a long-ass workweek, it had been a long-ass day

I was hoping I could just go home and sleep the night away

But the message waiting for me was the worst a man could know:

"Hi there, son, could you call me back? My computer's running slow"

There are bamboo shoots and water torture, German blondes named Gert

Films with Adam Sandler and lots of other things that hurt

But it's not my job or girlfriend that finally drove me mad

I've been on the phone long-distance doing tech support for Dad

It took seven tries to get him to the Start menu and Run

He had Bonzi Buddy, Comet Cursor, and QuickTime 3.1

I said I'd try to find out if his firewall had been breached

Turned out he'd bought this Compaq before Clinton was impeached

Service packs and driver updates, he needs every single thing

And he gets online by dial-up, so he might be done by spring

But he trusts that I can fix it, his beloved college grad

Never mind, it was in Russian, now I'm tech support for Dad

Can't write DVDs? We can take care of this

Go to the upper-left corner of the screen, and there's an icon called "My Computer"

Right-click on it

Right-click

Click with the right mouse button

Okay, now go to "Device Manager"

Now look for "DVD drives"

You don't have any DVD drives?

That would be why you can't write 'em, Dad

After thirty-seven reboots and a dozen clean installs

My room is trashed, my plants are dead, and there's green slime on the walls

But his 'puter's running smoothly, I can finally get away

When he says, "Oh yeah, son, one more thing—how do you sell stuff on eBay?"

Here's a pox on all programmers puttin' crapware on your shelves:

May you have to teach your programs to your dads by phone yourselves

There's the Normandy Invasion and the Siege of Leningrad

And the special hell filling in for Dell as tech support for Dad

Now I've built him a computer; nothing can get in or out

The firewall's adamantium and the drives are sealed with grout

And if this one starts to run slow, well that's just too damn bad

'Cause I'd rather shave my eyeballs than do tech support for Dad

Tech support for Dad

"Hang on, son—your mom wants to know how to set up a web page"