Awaiting cessation

It's to the point where I cave

My insecurities repel the very thoughts of foundations

Surprised at what I am after would be something they would tinker with

I pick up all the pieces split. The fixing can be intricate

My mother always tells me how she's proud because I'm loving

But the past few years that's gone by I felt nothing

I'm repulsive. Convulse whenever I start to ruminate

About the ruined state I've placed myself in

Get your rumors straight

Assume that for a second I can take back all the pain I caused

I'd do it in the moment then reverse it to regain the spark

That killed me, built me and showed me a life after

When I look back on the past it's met with tears and slight laughter

Adapted to this incidental life-type reluctantly

I know now how shit operates. Compensate with fucking means

The Tin man accommodated to no heart

Before he lost it he offered it then was thrown in the dark

But it's cool. I find this to be more than a tool

A trial of pure denial climbing out of that ruse

Maybe by this request I'm biting off more than I can chew

When opportunities present themselves it's oh so hard to choose

I have needs. Comforting is something that I seek

Whenever I start to vent to friends I feel like I am weak

Because I know not one that's like me and frightens me so

People that have it so easy and things are under control

I can't skip this and it's tough without assistance

At night if you hearken close you can hear me in the distance

Banging on my chest for the world to hear the echo

Abandon all hope, turn away and try and let go

"Son is so pissy. Why the fucks' he so whiny?"

And the question that I ask is "why's my skin so shiny?"

That's right. Ever since my fall and transformation

I've been hoping that oil's in the forecast as rain

But it's highly unlikely so it seems that I'll be stuck here

Trying to find a meaning but everything has been unclear

Damn these years I've had. I can't explain them

And they really rearranged the way I think and how I feel

There's stress and a kinda hazy feeling of disownment

So I try to cut components that impede my atonement

Own up, coward. It's time for you to live in the moment

It's lonely out in the open when you are your own opponent

Know there's goals to work towards and people prove wrong

Conditioned to back off when feelings are too strong

I have lost joy in things I once loved doing

And it's sad but it's true and that's not seen improvement

If recommended to try something new by you

I'm sorry, it won't appeal to me. It has to feel real to me

Oh woe is me. Nothing has been owed to me

Indebted to myself and also everyone whose close to me

Option 1 is shut out and the other other one is lie

When the Tin Man appears stomp him out so he can die

Smack some god damn sense in defense of his psyche

A change is evident but it's unlikely

Fuck you if you like me if you hate me then I need you

That's the "close-out method" that only the scared and week do

I bleed through the creases of my joints and it's see through

Hes so preposterous, a stop to this will please you

This persona is possessive of my entity

Nirvana took a back seat but now it's a necessity

Anything to get over this wave that has plagued me

That pushed away your love when it was only meant to save me

That made me feel whole but inside I am empty

The hollow bodied guise of the tin man's plenty

When he declines tries he turns friends into enemies

A break through is possible, change is in parentheses

No it's not his fault. Theres nobody he can trust

So he'll sit out in the woods all alone til he rusts

And combusts from inside out with his affects blatant

It weighs on his on body and his sides start shake

Maybe when confronted by his peers on how he acts

He will take a step back, reassess and drop his ax

Since I lost you're glow songs make more sense

Hence the honesty presented in the songs I invent

I confess, yes, I almost overcame this complex

At the half way point, still it finds a way to test me

Especially at times where I don't expect to be

Conflicted with the weakness that's always a step ahead of me

To summarize this all, it's where you want to love but can't

To those whose undergo this mess just want a heart inside their chest

That's it

To those whose undergo this mess just want a heart inside their chest