Jeremy Handlebars loved Sarah Jane Solson

And Sarah Jane Solson loved Jeremy Handlebars

And they were going to be married

And they were going to spend the rest of their lives together

And be very, very happy

And that, as Jeremy Handlebars so often said, was that

Sarah giggled

It wasn't quite the proposal she'd imagined

But then that was Jeremy all over once he'd made his mind up

He was just so decisive, she thought

And she wished that she could be like that too

Jeremy said that it was destiny that had brought them together

And that no one, not even he, could defy the will of God

So there was no use in either of them

Fighting it, or even pretending to

It was more a case of ironing out the practical details

And making sure everything ran smoothly on the day

I mean, there was the question of the cake

And the flowers, of course

And then who to invite

And then who not to invite

I mean, where did you draw the line with a thing like this?

Sarah smiled as she stopped listening and drifted off

It was true, she could still remember that first day they'd met

As vividly as if it was now

And her attention spun back to five years ago

And that car-boot sale in Norwich

And when she thought of how she might

Nearly not have gone, she shuddered

Sarah's parents lived quite near Norwich

And on the weekend in question she'd

Gone back there on a sort of a visit

Her mum had phoned her up in one of her hysterical states

And between the sobbing, Sarah learned that dad

Had started drinking whiskeys in the morning again

This time he'd threatened Miss Annie-

Be-Down-Lightly, the lollipop lady

By sticking a shotgun in her throat

And calling her a handmaiden of the devil

Before unloading it into the air and falling down unconscious

It was just another incident in a long line of them

But Sarah's mum went through stages

Where she just could not cope anymore

And then Sarah would have to go back there for a while

"Shit," she thought, and got on the next train home

She knew there was nothing anyone could do about dad

But she felt sorry for her mum

And liked to tell herself that she loved her

And anyway, there was no point in changing the

Rules of the game this late in the second half

It was the usual carry-on when she arrived

Her mother cried and cried while Sarah cooked food for her father

Which he threw against the walls

Then, at about 7:30ish each evening

And always a little worse for it

He'd go outside and sit in his car, wind the window up

And shout the word "slags" over and over again as loud as he could

Till he fell down into a drunken sleep

Then they'd carry him inside and put him to bed

It was these screams of her father that

Accompanied Sarah upon the walk she took

After she'd sneaked out of the house

And strolled along the B1172 as it meanders its way into Norwich

Absentmindedly she happened upon the car-boot sale

And really didn't know why or what she was doing there

Till she saw it

Then everything went clear

The gun cost seventy-five quid

And after a moment's dilemma, followed by some mental calculations

She decided seventy-five was well worth

It to blow that bastard's brains out

And with glazed eyes, and to be quite

Honest, looking like a bit of a nutter

She stretched out her hand with the intention of making the gun hers

Now at that exact moment

A truly rare occurrence in this universe

As it really was that exact moment

Somebody else she hadn't noticed, and who hadn't noticed her

Stretched out his hand to take the very, very same gun

It was Jeremy

The gun, her hand, and his hand all

Made contact at the exact same instant

Eyes and barrels all meeting simultaneously

And giving rise to what can only be described as

Something like a sort of true human communication

A real one-off

That allowed understanding to flood

Through and from and into each other

All Sarah's murder impulse was exactly and oppositely reconverted

Into a passionate desire mingled with a deep-

Felt admiration, respect, and love for this stranger

Jeremy said he felt the same

So they went for espressos at Carwoodage

Which is so convenient when it's just round the corner

They laughed as their stories unravelled

Especially when Jeremy revealed coincidentally

That he was there looking for a gun to empty all over his mum

And she drank too

And when he'd been away on a two-week

Communication course which work had sent him on

She had forgotten to feed his fish

And he'd returned to find them sunny-side down, motionless, mid-tank

He'd loved them fish, and he believed that they knew and loved him too

They were, in fact, unbeknownst to his mum

His closest and most treasured companions

He told how he'd sat frozen for a week after he'd found them

And how his only contact with reality had become the

Sound of the distant tinkling of smashing glasses

Mixed in with the cackling laughter of his mother

As she entertained the local drunks upstairs

And the stench of ghost haddock which seemed

To permeate the entire accommodation block

He told how he'd remained in this trance as

The gun theory slowly revealed itself to him

And as it cleared, he woke to find himself

Driving through the outskirts of Norwich

As he later went on to explain to Sarah, he had never been to Norwich

And it held no fascination for him whatsoever

In this sense, at least, he seemed a

Normal and sane man, Sarah reasoned

And indeed, in many ways, we may assume that he was

They of course bought the gun as a token of their love

And Jeremy paid for it like proper men do

That was five years ago now

And Sarah sighed as she returned to what

She understood to be the present time

Their wedding came and went in relative safety

And was not interesting

In fact, the next significant event to occur

In their lives was some five years later

But some understanding of this intermediate period is

Necessary for fuller understanding of what was to follow

Jeremy and Sarah melted

They abandoned their own identities and grew into each other

And as time dragged on, their branches

Became so complicatedly intertwined

It was impossible to tell from which person they had originated

They choked the individuality of each other in a

Frenzy that only the terror of loneliness would allow

Now neither knew the other or themselves

But clung to feigned personalities they

Believed the other required of them

In a truly sickening and spineless existence

Based upon complete reliance upon one another

But at least they were not lonely

And respite did occur in the form of hobbies

Which they pretended to share and enjoy

But in fact did not

The irritation they so often felt for one another, they denied

But it would surface occasionally in

Sporadic eruptions of screaming and violence

Usually directed at the useless artefacts society

Offered them as distractions from each other

The TV, the microwave and the dishwasher sat

As cold and silent witnesses to their futility

But they did have their uses

As the time spent working to get them would have

Been time they'd otherwise spent with each other

In other words, put much more simply than this

They became what is commonly known as a "right couple"

The next significant event, then, was some

Five years after they'd tied the knot

Jeremy was at work doing his job at Fishy Business

Aquariums, where he looked after the fish

And Sarah was at home, rearranging their possessions

She never did seem to be able to get it quite right

She sat down and sighed absentmindedly

Picked up and toyed with the gun which had

Brought them together ten years ago that day

Which was kept pride of place on their mantelpiece

And which Jeremy insisted on being kept loaded

When it just went off

The bullet went straight through her, where her liver was

Blood and bile and pancreatic juice were

Spattered against the wall behind her

The three different fluids started dripping down the wall

And it looked like some weird kind of a race

And when one drop mixed in with another, they would

Hurry each other along on the descent to the floor

Or when one drop strayed into the path another one

Had already taken, that would speed it along too

And when the dripping stopped and it dried up, it looked good

When Jeremy arrived home to find his

Beloved floating meat tank, as it were

Something snapped inside him

Maybe it could have been something

To do with electricity, or maybe not

But anyway, his brain, his brain just shut off

And he stood there for about an hour, completely motionless

And then, when he started moving again

He was talking as if nothing had happened

He playfully scolded her, as one scolds a small

Child, for the mess she'd made on the wall

And then he cleared it up with a new kind

Of liquid, which did do the job really well

And as he did so, he carried on talking normally to her

The fact Sarah had never been much of a talker and tended to

Drift off was an enormous help in maintaining his delusion

He also found that as he dragged the corpse from room to room with him

It was best if he elevated his conversation to an excited jabbering

And unloaded all the banalities and problems he'd encountered at work

Or just talked anxiously about his money worries

Either way, it really helped

The fact that their coupledom had made them

Extremely uncomfortable in front of other people

Due to the absurdity of their false roles

Had meant that visitors had not been

Welcome in the flat for many years

So that was no problemo either

In fact, Jeremy soon found this new

State of affairs rather to his liking

Even when the body started to putrefy and fall apart

He lovingly transported the separate bits from room to room

And carefully reassembled them just the way he remembered her

And he really didn't feel lonely at all

His favourite bits were her beautiful eyes, which, after they

Had become detached from the mother head, he kept in his pockets

And would affectionately fondle, especially

When he felt nervous or he was outside

Sometimes, when the mood was right, at night

He'd pick up an ear and place it to his mouth

And mumble secrets about love and desire

And if he could find all the right bits

He'd lovingly carry them to his bed

Where he'd fall upon them and wriggle and moan

On these special occasions, he'd take the eyes

Out of his pocket and place them on the pillow

And as he lay there writhing on what was left of the body

Her eyes would stare, frozen cold and emotionless, at the ceiling

And Jeremy Handlebars didn't feel lonely at all