She was fond of Renoir, and tasting Spanish wine

Taking care of children, she memorized every line

Hanging out her stocking for Santa Claus to sign

Oh how I wish she could be mine

Once I did...

Hand cuff my ankles to number 10 Downing Street

Claiming I was Winston Churchill

This mild schizophrenia made my chances leaner

For sharing her shed

Frequently admonished, for losing every job

I was feeling weary, my legs about to drop

Then I saw her mother-in-law displayed in a butcher's shop

Oh how my weakened heart did throb

Once I did...

Swallow three volumes of encyclopedias

Prizing such vast erudition

This wild Bibliomania, just made my head vainer

She left me stranded

Sometimes there are moments when fate treats us so cruel

Lamenting in the pigsty, I sat down on my stool

Agnes you're the nicest cow this side of Timbucktoo

Why was I born to be a mule, not even a bull

Agnes I feel such a fool