[MONTAGU]

A mind that is stronger than iron

That shines like a light in the dark

And a body that could wrestle a lion

And then deal out a witty remark

He has so very many astounding attributes

[JEAN]

He's noble and courageous

[CHARLES]

He looks excellent in suits

[MONTAGU]

Yes!

A seamless blend of dreaminess

[HESTER]

Experience

[CHARLES]

And genius

[MONTAGU]

These are the ingredients you need

When you're making a man

Making a hero

Quick as we can

The nation's in need

Of a marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

So we're making a man

Okay!

Step one, thinking caps on

Gotta pull a fast one, fast on the Hun

Gotta find a corpse

[JEAN, spoken]

A dead man?

[MONTAGU]

Of course!

[CHARLES]

Can we gather a cadaver from the local morgue?

[MONTAGU]

Charles, this is a secret mission

We can't go raising any suspicion

Luckily, I know the perfect man to help us hatch this plan

[COCKNEY Chorus]

Welcome to London!

We're Cockneys

And this is what Cockneys wear

Bodies!

What d'you know about bodies?

[PASSER-BY, spoken]

Nothing at all!

[COCKNEY Chorus]

Well if you need information about expiration

There's only one man that you should call

He knows the ropes, he knows the knives

He knows all ways of ending lives

It's Spilsbury, Spilsbury

Introducing Bernard Spilsbury

[SPILSBURY & COCKNEY CHORUS]

So you say you want the perfect body (Spilsbury)

I've got every kind that you could need (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

Old ladies to adolescents

In all stages of putrescence

So come inside and see what you can see

So don't delay or they'll decay

Come on, fellas, step this way

And feast your eyes on all my lovely bodies (Spilsbury)

Take a look, I've quite the repertoire (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

From grandads to old biddies

Young men to little kiddies

You want homicide? Or suicide?

Or can't decide? Well, come inside and see!

[CHARLES, spoken]

Monty, make it stop!

[SPILSBURY]

Mr Roberts, choked on a yoghurt

Mr Beezles, mauled by weasels

If you're after buckets of gore

Here's Brian, he's basically a lung in a drawer

[COMPANY, spoken]

NO!

[SPILSBURY, spoken]

It's just Brian

[MONTAGU]

Bernard, we need a chap who's fresh

Of military age with undamaged flesh

[CHARLES]

So if the Spanish do an autopsy

They certify him 'drowned at sea'

[SPILSBURY & COCKNEY CHORUS]

Have no fear, I'll find your perfect body (Spilsbury)

I get skiploads of these stiffs each and every day (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

I'll find your dear departed

That we need to get things started

Or my name isn't Bernard Spilsbury

O.B.E

I'll find you your man

[MONTAGU]

Step two, leave a trail of clues

Pack a wallet with receipts so that we can prove

That our Bill had a life, a man about town

Who splashed his cash then drowned

[JEAN & COMPANY]

And they will find that he dined

At the hottest joints with the coolest cats

Swingin' spots with the hotsy-tots

Oh the nightlife's such a thrill

And they will all see our boy

He had such a taste for finery

[CHARLES]

He's dressed to impress

[JEAN]

Wouldn't settle for less

[DRESSMAKER, spoken]

34 round the chest?

[COMPANY]

Only the best for Bill

[COCKNEY, spoken]

Ha'penny for me, Guv'nor?

[MONTAGU, spoken]

What century are you in?

[COCKNEY, spoken]

Yay!

[MONTAGU]

Step three, send Bill to sea

[CHARLES]

Get him all the way to Spain in secrecy

So he can wash ashore and then win us the war

[MONTAGU]

Charles, my genius, take the floor

(spoken)

Now it's a good plan, Charles, but it's got to be approved by every fusty old admiral in this building. Good luck!

[CHARLES, spoken]

Admirals, may I present my idea for the world's first human thermos

[CHARLES & ADMIRALS]

Our Bill will sail by submarine

In a giant thermos, a corpse canteen

Vacuum packed and airtight through and through

(Chop chop!

We've got a lot to do)

Suck out the oxygen so Bill won't rot (What?)

Add dry ice and he won't get hot

When he's on his quest, it's only the best for Bill

[ADMIRAL ONE]

Well, what's it made of?

[CHARLES]

Stainless steel

[ADMIRAL TWO]

Won't it smell?

[CHARLES]

Well, that's why it's sealed

[ADMIRAL THREE]

What about the crew, won't they know there's a corpse aboard?

[ADMIRAL ONE, spoken]

That's a bloody good question

[ADMIRAL TWO, spoken]

Good point

[ADMIRAL THREE, spoken]

I forgot what I said

[JEAN]

We could say that it's equipment

It's a top secret shipment

It's need-to-know

[CHARLES]

Jean, that is brilliant!

[ADMIRAL ONE]

I'm quite impressed

[COMPANY]

Only the best for Bill

[CHARLES, spoken]

Monty, the map with the submarine's course to Huelva on it, have you seen it?

[MONTAGU, spoken]

What?

[CHARLES, spoken]

I was sure that I put it—

Well, the whole file is missing

[MONTAGU, spoken]

It'll turn up

[CHARLES, spoken]

But–

[MONTAGU, spoken]

The crew have their orders

They're going to Spain, Charles. It's not hard

You turn left at France, then it's straight on until you hear maracas!

[CHARLES, spoken]

Monty, that file is confidential

If we've lost it, we could get into serious trouble!

[MONTAGU, sung & CHARLES, spoken]

Charlie, don't be so narrow-minded (But I don't think it's narrow-minded)

Stop fretting about guidelines and rules (This is important, Monty)

Now remember we're His Majesty's finest (But I don't see what it's got to do–)

And regulations are for cowards and fools

[CHARLES, sung]

But Monty, we're responsible for how this thing is done

[MONTAGU]

If we claim the final victory, who cares just how we won?

For when you write the book

My boy, you're off the hook

So just be a man

Cos we're making a hero

[MONTAGU & COMPANY]

Quick as we can

The nation's in need

Of a marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

Making a man

[MONTAGU, spoken]

We're doing well, Charles, but we still don't have that damn body

[CHARLES, spoken]

Yes, I'm aware of that fact, Monty

[MONTAGU, spoken]

I'll call Spilsbury

[CHARLES, spoken]

No! No, please, please don't make me see that man again

[MONTAGU, spoken]

He can't get you, you know?

[CHARLES, spoken]

Horrible, wet hands!

[MONTAGU, spoken]

This is the most secure building in England, alright?

There's no way he can find us here

[SPILSBURY & COMPANY]

Lads, look here, I've found your perfect body (Spilsbury)

Look what fate has landed in our laps (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

This homeless chap in Croydon

Accidentally ate rat poison

The perfect worm to bait our little trap

[MONTAGU, spoken]

He's perfect

[CHARLES]

So he didn't drown?

[SPILSBURY]

Don't worry about it!

[CHARLES]

Won't they suspect?

[SPILSBURY]

Ha! I doubt it

Foreigners aren't great coroners, see

And no-one in Spain is as clever as me

I've found your man, I've saved the day

So fetch my fee and I'll be on my way

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Really makes you wonder about the security of the building, doesn't it?

[HESTER, spoken]

Sirs, I've finished your documentation. Our pilot officially exists

[MONTAGU, spoken]

And the good news is we have a body!

[HESTER, spoken]

You've got a body?

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Cooling in the freezer as we speak

[HESTER, spoken]

And who was he?

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Oh well, this is the best part

[CHARLES, spoken]

Monty–

[MONTAGU, spoken]

He was just some tramp

[HESTER, spoken]

Excuse me?

[JEAN, spoken]

Monty!

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Spilsbury got him off the street

No family, no-one to raise the alarm when he's gone

It's perfect!

[BEVAN, spoken]

Where is Montagu?

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Oh good

[BEVAN, spoken]

I did not hand you His Majesty's cheque book so that you could spend hundreds of pounds on jewellery, cocktails, theatre tickets—

[MONTAGU, spoken]

The things I do for this country

[BEVAN, spoken]

You are out of control

[MONTAGU, spoken]

Johnny, we need the receipts for Bill's wallet, alright?

[BEVAN]

Do you really think you're working independently?

Or that your little team's the only thing that's under me?

The notion that you're more than a drop in the ocean

Of the hundred plans I have in motion is enough to earn demotion

Montagu, this war is bigger than you

[MONTAGU]

Please stop acting like I don't know what to do

[BEVAN]

You're making a mockery of this whole damn operation

[MONTAGU]

You are making a mess of every decision that you're making

[BEVAN]

You're making a spectacle

[MONTAGU]

Well, you're making it difficult to be sensible

[BEVAN]

You're making it about you 'cause you're bloody egotistical

[COMPANY]

Oh my god

[MONTAGU, spoken]

John, wait. Just let me explain. Picture the scene

(sung)

A bachelor residing in Oval

[JEAN]

Here's his lease agreement

[MONTAGU]

Soon to make his way up the aisle

[CHARLES]

They'll tie the knot next summer

[MONTAGU]

And to celebrate his recent betrothal

[JEAN]

A sparkling diamond ring

[MONTAGU]

They spent the night in London in style

[CHARLES]

One night on the town

[MONTAGU]

And he took his girl to dinner

And the latest West End show

[JEAN]

She said he looked so handsome

In his suit from Savile Row

[MONTAGU]

One last night of celebration

Before he leaves to save this nation

[CHARLES]

Delivering the plans of our Sardinian invasion

[HESTER]

With a never-ending paper trail

[MONTAGU]

A cover story that can't fail

We made him up, then made his life come true

Believe in Bill and they'll believe him too

We've made you a man

(spoken)

So, what do you think?

[BEVAN, spoken]

It's... good. It's believable

But I do think it's missing one thing

[MONTAGU, spoken]

What?

[BEVAN, spoken]

He needs to be carrying a letter from his fiancée, from the girl that he loves. Soldiers don't go off to war without a... reminder of why they're fighting in the first place

[MONTAGU]

Quite right. I like it

(sung)

And they'll see it there in writing

That our Bill, he went down fighting

For his love, his life and his democracy

[COMPANY]

So we're making a man

Making a hero

Quick as we can

The nation's in need

Of a marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

God, that's brilliant

Really brilliant

God, that's brilliant

They'll never see it coming

God, that's brilliant

Really brilliant

God, that's brilliant

So daring and so cunning

A seamless blend of dreaminess

Experience and genius

These are the ingredients you need

When you're making a man