[Verse 1]

"Three Easy Ways to Show Him You Want Him"

"Three Simple Steps to Smell Like a Cake He'll Want to Eat"

Three tiny samples

Will that be enough to hide the stench of the peat?

[Chorus]

It’s simple, it's quick

It's simple, it’s quick

My skin it is slick

Top tips, hot chicks, bog witch

[Verse 2]

Issue of Cosmo from 2015

Faded to blue and damp, tells me to dress for my shape

But what shape is bog witch?

Maybe a bruised apple filled with sphagnum moss and hate

[Chorus]

It's simple, it's quick

It's simple, it's quick

This will do the trick

Big things for this bog witch

[Bridge]

Ballerina pink nail polish dripping from my greasy claws

I wrestle into a waist trainer woven from vines and it rips, no match for the broadness of my back

I start the "Easy 5 Step Fat Burner Workout" on a patch of land

The sun comes out and I dry out – gasping, velcroed to the grass

I turn my face to the magazine and the "Find Your Dream Man" quiz has melted to form the face of my goblin father

[Outro]

My goblin father

My goblin father

My goblin father