Ahem

[Inhale]

Every night, before I go to sleep

I speak to the man that rules above

He helps get me through these trying times

He guides my way, and gets me through the mud

As a mortal man, I put my life in your hands

'Cause I know you'll do everything to steer me straight

And because of that, a lotta people tell me that I'm wrong

And they act like they're right, but it's clear they ain't

They smear your name

But I fear your reign

Some folks don't know how much you sacrificed

And when judgement day comes

They're gonna be sorry 'cause they're all gonna have to pay a massive price

But I won't

'Cause I live for you

No matter how many of my peers doubt me

Every breath I take and every step I make is in your name

That'll never change

Dear, Fauci

Easter's comin' up

Do you think that I could spend it with my loved ones?

Maybe open the window, let the wind blow

Maybe circulate the air, mix it up some?

Heh

No, I was kidding too

It's just a little joke

I would never disapprove

I already put the chairs six feet apart and cut a little hole in my mask

Big enough to get my spoon through

Yup

Yes, my lord

Vaccine cards are gonna get checked at the door

I don't care if my brother, my father, my mother doesn't have it

If they don't, they can go next door

They're not welcome at my table

I don't care if you've already had it

There ain't nothing you could tell me--

This is fatal!

I ain't buying into the junk that Trump sold you

Trump's fucking narrative--

I'm not gonna help you with your fable!

I'm trying to keep my health stable

They don't even have their booster shots

They're my family and I love 'em to death

But they're gonna kill me if I let 'em in

Should I do it or not?

And my friend keeps tryna convince me that he's fine

'Cause he's been vaccinated

But it isn't the same!

He only got two shots

That was six months ago

You gotta get three, now--

The definition is changed!

He better stop bitchin'

'Cause he might need four!

Maybe every quarter of the year

There might be more!

Why would you ask questions at a time like this?

I mean, ugh!

I could loot a Nike store

Always talkin' 'bout natural immunity

Vitamin C and capsules of Glutamine

Water and exercise, going to the gym

And eating healthy, zinc and potassium

Ooh-wee

He probably loves Joe Rogan

And that's why his views are inapt!

Heh, I mean fuckin' immune systems?

How stupid is that?

When have we ever relied on those?

Yeah, exactly--

I don't know!

What, before 2020?

Don't be a dummy

You know that was such a long time ago!

This more than the flu

Misfortune and doom

This is apples and oranges

A fork and a spoon

Just two different things that you can't even compare

And if you wanna go there?

You're a moron if you do

"Huh, idiot

Probably doesn't watch the news

He probably does his own research

He's a doctor, too

Thinks critically and forms an opinion to the best of his advantage

I mean, I can't even talk to you!"

Pfft

Have you not seen the SNL skits?

Heh, rest in hell, pleh!

Piece of shit, don't even go there

I know you've heard the songs with Stephen Colbert

I know you've seen all of those vaccine musicals

On the late night shows, how could you not?

And if you don't believe those...

Tsk, tsk, tsk

I don't think that's what Fauci would want

Huh?

Nah, fuck the aids pandemic

That was way back in the 80's man, forget it

I don't care that you got everything wrong back then, too

This is like, way damn different

I'm willing to give you a second chance

And a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh

Man, I don't like to get into the technical shit

Just tell me how many more injections to get!

"Gain of function"

That's just republicans saying some dumb shit

I don't count that, fuck it!

It's not about how many mistakes you make

It's when you make a mistake

And how you bounce back from it, and...

You're real fucking good at that!

There are so many things that've come to light

You could probably do something horrible

Like kill a dog, and nobody would even...

Oh, right

I don't mind if you butchered beagles

You could murder my grandma, I wouldn't look at it as evil

As long as one of them doesn't do it with their careless actions

Maskless, ruthless people

It's like folks don't believe in you anymore

All their faith and their trust is gone

I don't care that you put hounds six feet deep in the ground

I always root for the underdog!

Alright, I'm done fucking around

Insanity is doing the same thing again and again

And then expecting a different result

That's not the exact definition of the word

It was Einstein's but it makes sense, so it holds--

Look

If I was your fitness coach and I was giving you routines to get to your goals

But you kept getting fatter, and you weren't getting thinner

Would you keep paying for me to assist you?

No

Better yet, what if I was your physician

And you came to me with a sickness and I'm supposed to fix it

And I gave you a bunch of prescriptions and they didn't work

Over the course of two years, would you find someone different?

I think there's a good chance you would

And if you wouldn't?

Guess what, it's your choice

And that's the good thing about living in America

At least until now, you had a voice

This has been a pain in the ass for everybody

It's really been a bitch from the start

But how many times you gotta fucked 'fore you realize...

They don't have your best interests at heart?