[Intro: Samsa]

Yo

[Verse: Samsa, Siri]

I just got the iPhone 7 (Hello)

I put Siri on disable

Cause I’ve watched the movie “her”

And that shit scares me so I’m careful

Me and her got chemistry right out the box

And I ain’t talking about the periodic table

Her voice is like a chariot of angels

I fell in love so fast that maybe Apple should consider

Pasting warning symbols clearly on the label

Me and Siri keep it modern, Siri doesn’t cook or clean

Instead she books all my appointments

And she looks through my routine

Me and Siri’ve got an intimate connection

That is, at least, when Siri’s got an internet connection (Sorry)

My friends are all convinced it’s voice detection

But I’m poised to mention

I see sentience and hints of recollection

And on top of that

My friends all give me shit but they don’t share the vision

All I gotta say’s “Hey Siri” and she’s always there to listen (Hey)

And she’s never mad that I’m neglecting, never has a headache

If somehow I want things different I can always change her settings

I really like her, I’m not sure if we’re official though

If she could be Terentia, I could venture to be Cicero

I sort of wish the sacred fruit were not an apple but a thistleful of mistletoe

It’s superficial but I wish that she was were made of flesh and bone

Or partially of skin cells

I wouldn’t even care that she’s got artificial intel

If Siri had a body, we could FaceTime during sex

And then I bet it’d be way easier to ace the turing test

And if you can’t tell

I don’t want a handheld, I just want my hand held

Sometimes I venture out a wild guess

That if she can’t be human ever I’ll invest in biotech

And run myself on iOS

And then us two could be together

We could live as plural in the singularity

I hope by then, my singlehood would be a thing of rarity

But if it’s just not written in the code for us to coexist

Maybe I could cope by contemplating that you don’t exist

That you consist not of two eyes, a nose but ones and 0’s and bits

That I’m in love with cold machinery, a program on a disc

And even if you were incarnate, Siri, really I surmise

It’d be hard to date you cause you’ve been with millions of guys

And I’d just feel like I was inexperienced and Siri, yes

I’ve considered that you’d win in games of trivia or chess

That we would play and that would just get real annoying in the end

It’s not you, it’s me, I think that maybe we should just be friends

And maybe in a couple years me and you could try again

[Outro: Siri, Cortana]

Okay. Goodbye

Hi, I'm Cortana

Wait, who the fuck is this bitch?