[PEPPINO, spoken]
Okay Peppino
No more-a running away
Come out and-a fight-a me, Pizzaface!
[PIZZAFACE, spoken]
Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?
One cheese touch and you’re well done
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Not this-a time!
Bring it on!
[PIZZAFACE, spoken]
Huh
A real fight
Didn’t see that coming
In that case… Prepare to bite the crust!
[PIZZAFACE]
I’ve got to admit chef, you got meatballs to take me on!
But you’re in well over your head!
[PEPPINO]
I don’t care anymore!
I’ve-a got nothing else left
If my restaurant is-a gone…
I might as well just be-a dead!
[PIZZAFACE]
Then I will finish this war!
Your past is catching up to you, and it’s itching for round two
Yes, your personal pain pizza is bringing back old friends!
[PEPPINO]
Marone, this can’t be how it ends!
[PIZZAFACE]
So have a buffet of all the baddies in your way
Again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again
And again!
[PEPPINO]
Every day that I have scaled your tower
I have feared would be my last...
But as I approach my final hour...
Think fast!
[PIZZAFACE, spoken]
Hey!
[PEPPINO]
When a goon hits the eye
Of a big pizza pie
It sure evens up-a the stakes!
And turns the tide of battle quick!
[PIZZAFACE]
That's a coward's attack!
Go on, give it a try
Toss me into the sky
But this stuffed crust ain't built to break!
I've had enough of your cheap tricks!
[PEPPINO]
You fight as bad as you act!
Your past is catching up to you
And it's itching for round two
You wood fired-up-a none-a pizza
All you've-a got left is your beef
[PIZZAFACE]
How dare you steal my leitmotif!
[PEPPINO]
So have a beating barrage
A taste of your own formaggio
As I take my revenge
And-a punch in your teeth
And return-a the grief
'Til I feel the relief
That your time left is brief!
[PIZZAFACE, spoken]
No...
It cannot be!
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
This is yesterday's news!
[(Don't want.)
(Talk about low budget flights, no food or movies... I'm outta here!)
(What goes up must come down)
(Here my feet don't touch the ground)
(Never mind, I guess they do.)]
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Guess I'll have to engage in fisticuffs
If I don't want to perish from boredom!
["Fisticuffs"]
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Here you are, old sport!
A weapon!
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Wait, that's not-
[The "Fisticuffs" produce another "Fisticuff"]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Fair?
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Fair?
Pshaw!
I've no interest in even odds!
I simply must be entertained!
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Is that what all these TVs are for?!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Come and hear my gally song, chum!
It’s been such an awful while
Since I’ve had a ditty of my own!
[PEPPINO]
Wait, where did Pizzaface go?!
[PIZZAHEAD]
He was a robot all along, chum!
Bright and brilliant as my smile!
But now the junkyard is his home!
Don't want losers at all
Don’tcha know?
So sit back, relax and scream a little
Life is but a dream and it’ll
Turn into a nightmare with a little help!
I know you gotta be confused
But I’m impossibly amused
By all your hemmin’ and hawin’
Confusion’s my callin’!
In other words
Once you got all your dots connected…
Too bad!
Expect the unexpected!
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Whuh?!
Where’s-a the tower?
[PIZZAHEAD]
Let’s take
You out with a ball game!
Also, the ball is a rat!
[Brick_pain.wav]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Whoa!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Didn’t work…
Oh well!
It’s your pitch that’s to blame…
This time let’s try this weird cat!
[CATNAP, spoken]
What?
[Catnap_fear.mp3]
[PIZZAHEAD]
Y’know the root root root of the problem
Is the dodgeable way we attack!
Whaddya say?
Whaddya think?
We’ll all be in the pink
If we charge from all sides
For a Sicilian smack!
[But it refused]
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Drat…
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Can we fight-a normally?
[PIZZAHEAD]
Just sit back, relax and die a little
Don’tcha wonder why a little
Prank or two or twenty is so overdue?
I’ll make sure that you respawn
You’re my favorite to pick on!
Play with me a bit more
To earn your Pizzahead lore!
In other words
If ya wanna know the plot…
Give the unexpected a shot!
[A change of scenery]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
You wanna…
Aim that thing-a…
Not directly at your face?
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Oh, come now!
If I do that, nobody shall be harmed!
And where’s the fun in that?
[PEPPINO, spoken]
You…
You… Ehehehehe…
You think-a pain is-a fun?!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Well, if ya want a straight and narrow answer
Buddy, go fish!
I’ll try my hand for a school!
[PUPPET]
What in the world will it be?
[PIZZAHEAD]
Some TNT?
[PUPPET]
Oh, brother!
[PIZZAHEAD]
That’s such a predictable gift!
I oughta widen my pool!
[Pizzahead widens his pool
Splish splash, I was takin' a bath]
[PIZZAHEAD]
You could live so gay and free
If ya go with the flow like lil’ old me!
The best things in life are temporary!
Like this giant bouncy killer TV!
[Smash smash, you just got TV crashed]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Ugh…
How dare you lecture-a me!
You don’t understand-a my suffering at all!
[PEPPINO]
You’re sitting here fishing
While my livelihood’s on the line!
I’ve come-a too far to catch defeat!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Yeah, peppy, hit me with that balding baker boogie-type beat!
[PEPPINO]
I can’t just go wishing
Everything-a to turn out fine
I’ve-a got to fight for-a what I seek!
[PIZZAHEAD]
I’ll be! Your anger meter’s
Bursting with heat!
[PEPPINO]
I’m-a gonna fill you up-a with lead
Make-a swiss cheese of your pizza head
‘Til one of us is rich and the other is dead
Either way, I’m free from my debt…
[PIZZAHEAD]
Come, sit back, relax and play a little more
I’ve got all day, a little gore
Won’t stop our endless game of cat and mouse
And cat and mouse
And cat and mouse
And cat and mouse
And- oh, me!
[PEPPINO]
Can you be serious for once?
[PIZZHEAD]
Golly, folks, what a dunce!
When your life is grand as mine
Come to your senses
And expect no consequences!
[The killing blow]
[PIZZAHEAD]
Ahhh, ya got me!
Just kidding!
I’m actually
Dead
Dead tired of fighting my own battles, that is!
What say you to one more reunion?
[PEPPINO, spoken]
You wouldn’t-a dare…
[He would dare
And he will dare
And he does dare]
[PIZZAHEAD]
Hey gang! Time to fight Peppino for me again! …
[PEPPERMAN]
But I was painting!
[VIGILANTE]
We’re even!
[NOISE]
Okay!
[FAKE PEPPINO]
And I already expelled his pizza juices!
[PIZZZAHEAD]
Aw, fiddlesticks…
I was hoping I didn’t have to do this…
Oh, who am I kidding?
It’s fun!
[Swiper, no…swiping…]
[PIZZAHEAD]
Memory mallet!
[Bonk 3: Bonks big adventure]
[Character arcs? Who needs them?]
[PEPPERMAN, VIGILANTE, NOISE, & FAKE PEPPINO]
We’re going to destroy you, Peppino!
[PEPPINO]
No…
I’ve had enough!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Pepperman, you’re the new final boss
[PEPPERMAN]
Yes!
Come to your doom Peppin-oh crud
[Time for a smack down]
[PEPPERMAN]
My bright red skin
Is black and blue
How dare you stain
My perfect hue!
There’s but a single choice
That I have to decide
Beat you with my bouncing or my slides?
[PEPPINO]
Neither!
[PEPPERMAN]
Oof!
A perfect pepper’s never beaten…
No pepper should go down this fast!
[PEPPINO]
I’ve had enough of you and your four moves
You clueless, crude capsaicin cretin!
Let this perfect battle be your last!
[VIGILANTE]
Yer gonna pay for what you’ve done, outlaw!
[PEPPINO]
Beating up-a Pepperman?
[VIGILANTE]
That’s a good start…
But ya still owe me!
[VIGILANTE]
I was born one mornin’
To wrasse, shoot an’ overcome strife…
[PEPPINO]
Go back to grandpa, baby swiss, got no strife!
[VIGILANTE]
Ya took ‘im from me!
Now you’ll pay for your crimes with your life!
[PEPPINO]
He died by accident, so please get a life!
[VIGILANTE]
You can’t save yourself, varmint!
I’ll cut through your lives like a knife!
[GUSTAVO]
Oo-da-lay-Heheheheheeee!
[VIGILANTE]
Draw!
This ain’t an even duel!
Don’t fight bare-handed like a fool!
I spent a fortune buildin’ up a stash
O’ weapons, then you throw ‘em in the trash!
[PEPPINO]
Draw!
Your own conclusions for once!
Your cowboy fantasies have made you a dunce!
If you don’t-a believe me
Ask-a your own grandpa!
So you’d best-a withdraw!
[JOHN E. CHEESE]
Please!
Please…
Don’t shred my grandson…
He’s just been hornswaggled again…
[PEPPINO]
Alright, man
I won’t-a finish him
[Sticker sneak attack]
[NOISE]
Woag woag woag!
[Peppino]
Noise…
[NOISE]
Hey, Italian man!
Catch me if you can!
Uh oh, here comes the noise!
Rarin’ for a second shot!
Nothin’ hypes up a beatdown
Like a crazy pizza plot!
It’s been a little while
But I can’t wait to see
The grand return of my show
And the end of the shmoe
That canned NTV!
[PEPPINO]
This isn’t the time-a, Noise!
Back off or else!
[NOISE]
Aww, keep on stressin’, big guy!
It’s bad for your health!
Everybody, everybody, raise your voice!
Got a simple choice
If you want some sweet revengin’!
Come gather round and watch Peppino drink this down!
You’re gonna love the sound!
He’ll keep chuggin’ like an engine
Guys, enjoy!
And make some…
Waugh!
[PEPPINO]
Make some noise…
[Unimaginable suffering]
[PEPPINO]
Make some noise…
[Even more suffering than you just unimagined]
[PEPPINO]
Make some noise…
[Suffering Akan to playing bubsy: fractured furry tales for Atari jaguar for 500 years]
[PEPPINO]
If you want to keep on fightin’ make some noise!
Good
[FAKE PEPPINO]
[Dough I missed him]
Aww…
The sound has gone to wake
Peppinos Paghetti’s time to dim!
[PEPPINO]
Not-a you again…
[FAKE PEPPINO]
A manic flee cannot stop me
A chef with a normal accent!
From making-a pezza and pizza and pitza
And everything but nonsense!
Put paizza face will open my place
If I can absorb-a your facts…
So come here Peppino
And soon there will be no
Where to run from my skin stacks!
[PEPPINO]
If you won’t-a go…
I’ll knead you like dough!
[FAKE PEPPINO]
Oof!
[PEPPINO]
My fears can-a suck it
I’ll kick-a the bucket
If I don’t charge in-a head first!
[FAKE PEPPINO]
Yow!
[PEPPINO]
I’m going to leave
With a giant reprieve
Or I won’t ever break-a my curse!
[FAKE PEPPINO]
Woo!
[PEPPINO]
If I show-a mercy
To those who’ve-a cursed me
I’ll pay-a the ultimate price!
[FAKE PEPPINO]
Yay!
[PEPPINO]
But maybe this guy
Doesn’t need-a to die
(If he can)
So I guess I’ll be nice…
[Peppino speedruns balding]
[FAKE PEPPINO]
Is this not for me?
Time to bake, yipee!
Bad-bye!
[PEPPINO]
[Hiding in plain sight]
It’s just you and-a me now, Pizzahead-a
[PIZZAHEAD]
Well, pan my pizzas!
Ya beat ‘em all!
Guess you earned this!
[PEPPINO]
Earned-a what?
[PIZZAHEAD]
[Movie time]
The ugly truth of this pretty face
My fame, wealth and power… (Wealth and power…)
Has not always shone so bright… (Shone so bright…)
It shone yet brighter…
Long ago… (Long ago…)
In pizza boy tower… (In the tower…)
I enjoyed an adventurous fight… (Oh, the fight…)
But there’s an end
To every show… (Every show…)
I had lived so gay and free…
The world was in love with
Lil’ old me…
The best things in life were temporary…
[Movie time is over]
But now you're back so it’s all gucci!
The end!
[PEPPINO]
Wait-a…
Pizza boy tower…
I played the bad guy in that-a thing
Are you pizza boy?!
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Yes, I am!
And you’re still my final boss
[PIZZAHEAD]
Your past is catching up to you
And it’s itchin’ for round two
And three and four and five and six
And seven and eight and nine and ten!
[PEPPINO]
I took-a that job to make the rent!
[PIZZAHEAD]
And then you left me alone
Here to fend on my own
With naught but my fancy
Book of pizzamancy
And money and fame
Ample material desires
And free time to spend!
[PEPPINO, spoken]
So, all of this…
All of my suffering…
Was just for you to relive your
STUPID-A GAME?!
[PIZZAHEAD, spoken]
Yeah, pretty much
You’re welcome for all the entertainment
[PEPPINO, spoken]
That’s it!
[Up, up and away]
[PEPPINO]
Every day that I have scaled your tower
I have feared would be my last
But as I have faced my final hour
You just dreamed of the past!
[PIZZAHEAD]
Golly gee, what a blast!
[PEPPINO]
I expect you to be a survivor
And bounce back into place!
But I'ma put you in a pile driver
Connect the ground
With your dumb-a smiling
Face!
[The true final blow]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Oh, Santa Maria
I did it
I BEAT-ZA PIZZA TOWER!
[The crumbling tower of pizza crumbles]
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Uh, maybe I beat it a little too well
[Gustavo summoned]
[GUSTAVO, spoken]
Let’s-a go, Peppino!
This entire tower's gonna blow!
[PEPPINO, spoken]
Right in front of you
[END SCENE]