[RANDY, spoken] And welcome back to the first presidential debate. Mr. Trump, let's get back to what you were saying about Secretary Clinton's makeup. You mentioned she's been a little heavy on the eyeliner lately

[TRUMP, spoken] Is that okay? Good. [SNIFF] I want you to be very happy. [SNIFF] It's very important to me. [SNIFF] But, in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, [SNIFF] she's been doing this for 30 years

[RANDY, spoken] Do you need a tissue?

[TRUMP, spoken] What's happened to our jobs and our country and our [SNIFF] economy generally is, look, we are [NOSE HONK] twenty trillion dollars. [SNIFF] We cannot do any longer. I am very under leverage. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocious way, it's because...

[RANDY, spoken] Braggadocious? Is that even a word?

[TRUMP, spoken] I don't know. Maybe. Who knows

[RANDY] He's...Super calloused, fragile, egocentric, braggadocious

Likes to throw big words around and hopes that we all notice

If he keeps repeating them they just might make him POTUS

Super careless, fragile ego, extra braggadocious

Hum, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Hmm, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Uh, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

He says that he's the man and thinks he's got the Midas touch

But does he have a plan to fix the country?

[TRUMP, spoken] Not so much

[RANDY] And if you're not convinced by all of that hyperbole

He says, shut up. Just buy a stupid hat and vote for me

Super careless, fragile - that's why Hillary's relaxed, this

Time Bill Clinton might as well sit back and play the sax, his

Wife erased her emails and now Trump wants total access

Then once hell has frozen over he'll release his taxes

Hum, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Hmm, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Are you really gonna vote for this guy?

He found a word that sounded smart and used it all day long

But even Webster's dictionary said he got it wrong

So if you're undecided or you hate the other sex

Remember in November how he likes to sign his checks

It's super sleazy fabricating sexist and obnoxious

Even just the thought of voting for him makes me naseous

If you like America you'll keep him out of office

Superficial, chauvinistic, arrogant and thoughtless

Hum, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

Who the hell's gonna vote for this guy?

[RANDY, spoken] Of course, you can say it backwards, which is docious, brag-a-centric ego fragi-calla-stupid

[TRUMP, spoken] Did you ask me a question?

[RANDY, spoken] Nope, I didn't say anything

[RANDY] So when his words escape him and he hasn't got a prayer

He's feeling kinda dizzy 'cause he sucked up all that air

[TRUMP SNIFFS]

[RANDY] He'd better keep his guard up, because she may take a swing

[CLINTON, spoken] And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president, and I think that's a good thing

[RANDY, spoken] Wait a minute, did you just hand him his ass and quote Martha Stewart? Yaas, bitch. Excuse me, I mean, Secretary Bitch

[RANDY] Super calculated, adolescent braggadocious!

If you hate both nominees, remember he's the grossest

[RANDY, spoken] Meanwhile, look at Jill and Gary, sipping on mimosas

[RANDY] Super callous! Fragile! Egocentric! Braggadocious!

[TRUMP, spoken] I think I did a good job. [SNIFFS]

[RANDY] Super callous! Fragile! Egocentric! Braggadocious!

[TRUMP SNIFFS]

[RANDY, spoken] Okay, you need to stop that