What kind of man leaves his dead out to rot

And threatens fake smugglers with guns?

Who punches crazed scientists there on the spot

And disconnects calls just for fun?

Well, this kind of man? He'll insult all his friends

He's mean and perpetually cross!

He'll make racist cracks at his squad Turion

Then he'll shoot worthless crew like a boss!

No one shoves goons like John

Out a window like John!

Pilfers pets when he gets

Too depressed quite like John!

Rigging slots makеs him lots!

Blows off steam by frying bots!

None's insanely as angry as John!

No onе fights quite like John!

Hijacks flights quite like John!

Plays the double- no

QUADRUPLE agent like John!

Xenocidal, hoplophile

And aggressively tactile!

No one terrifies and villifies

The other guys like John!

If you act like a wimp

Then he'll shoot you and your chimp!

If you're part of the Council, run and hide!

No one tases his foes

Wallops PRESS in the nose

And intimidates entire planetsides...

He's not scared of a worm

Even if it's twelve times tall

Then he'll list all his trysts

With your mom on bathroom stalls!

Then he'll trade her for her daughter

(Who he chooses 'cause she's hotter)

Knowing people say it's lethal quite like John!

No one hates Crogan mercs

Or helps swindle dirt-poor clerks!

No one blows off fans toes

Or behave like giant jerks!

Who's defiantly untiring

And violently inspiring?

No one but John!