First on our famous tour

This broken board we’re driving toward-

I swore this paint had dried…

Feel free to see our sewer!

Its flimsy grate can’t hold much weight

But seals the eels inside

Don’t let this wet

And slimy net

Of cobweb attach onto your face!

Beware! These stairs

Are terribly tilted

And built in the wrong place!

Stay close and watch your feet

Cause something might attempt to bite them

Off. It’s awfully rare…

Try not to breathe too deep

Cause something stinky

Black and inky’s

Fogging up the air!

Our old

Commode’s

Known to explode!

I think all the sinks are prone to leak…

And so

You know

Our CEO

Was MUR-DERED. HERE. LAST. WEEK…!

Look to the left and see

The broken beam our legal team

Demands be banned from view!

Steer clear of loose debris!

The wood’s so old, it’s mostly mold-

I’m told it holds like new!

Don’t sweat the threat

Of traps we’ve set

For man-eating vermin in our halls!

Excuse the ooze

That’s fused to the rafters

And plastered to the walls…

Be careful as you pass

This mound of broken glass!

Don’t meddle with this pedal

It’ll expel toxic gas!

I’m legally required

To warn you that this wire

Can hold 3000 volts

And light your private parts on fire!

I’m sure you’re all aware:

Don’t stick your face in there

The ratchet may just catch it

And then tear out all your hair

That’s why we had you sign

This line here to decline

All rights to litigation

And/or damages and fines

This here’s the Lost and Found

Where gloves and hats and giant bats

Are kept — except the bats

Don’t mind the grinding sound-

The soup cans crashed our trash compactor

And it’s jammed with rats!

Ignore this poorly

Programmed door-

The gift shop awaits us just inside!

I’ll admit a bit

Of doubt that we’d make it

Cause every group I’ve had

Has died!