[Chorus]

69 things I've put my dick in

69 things I fucked

Life gets hard when your dick's got scars

Cause your dick keeps getting stuck

[Verse 1]

I put my dick in spaghetti, it didn't look pretty

Too much garlic, my Rotini got smelly

Some creamy, some chunky

Had a peanut butter phase but I never fucked honey

Some long hair, my lawn chair

Stuffed animal Ric Flair

A poster, a toaster

A George Foreman roaster

A record, a leopard

I put it inside a dead German shepherd

That one was messed up

Sometimes I regret stuff

Should've just stuck my dick inside a bottle of ketchup

A mattress, a cactus

My hand to get practice

A bowl of warm water

Yeah my dick is a baptist

[Chorus]

69 things I've put my dick in

69 things I fucked

Life gets hard when your dick's got scars

Cause your dick keeps getting stuck

[Verse 2]

I put my dick in the door of a Lincoln

The glove that was used to Nicole Simpson

I used my cock to go golf then got tossed

Then fucked a signed CD from Sarah McLachlan

I put my wiener in some all purpose cleaner

A beaver, not a girl but an actual beaver

A melon, a felon

A kitten, a mitten

A needle, a beatle

A hoagie, my homie

[Chorus]

69 things I've put my dick in

69 things I fucked

Life gets hard when your dick's got scars

Cause your dick keeps getting stuck

[Bridge]

So that's 30 dirty things that I've done with my dong

I know you're probably thinking the list ain't that long

For them 39 haters that think my math's wrong

I've got some bad news, I fucked all of your moms

[Outro Chorus]

69 things I've put my dick in

69 things I fucked

Life gets hard when your dick's got scars

Cause your dick keeps getting stuck

69 things I've put my dick in

69 things I fucked

Life gets hard when your dick's got scars

Cause your dick keeps getting...

Your dick keeps getting stuck