I begin every sentence with an apology

Sorry that's the case. that's just British policy

Probably the case with, everything in honesty

I use ten words when two would do, honestly

I'm British and that makes me unique

At least I think so, when I hear you speak

See we used to have an empire, but we got a little cocky

Like haha, Johnny foreigner, I'd like to see you stop me

And sure enough, we rhubarb crumbled

Now in every town, all the drunk teens stumble

I'm rather glad really, it made us more humble

Come and ask me where I'm from, dear boy, I won't mumble

I'm British, I don't want to be fantastic

Just adequate, and if I'm nice it's probably sarcastic

Ridiculously cynical that's what we're like

If you can't take a joke, get on your bike

I'm British, like a clotted cream tea

Apologetic Morris dancer then you must be me

I'm British, like the wickets in Cricket

Like crikey, blimey, nice one, wicked

I'm British, as a fat dame in a panto

Like Wodehouse, Orwell, Wells and Poe

So if you're down with the Brits then make some noise

But if you'd rather not, that's fine

We're ever so nice to our pets

And we know not to work too hard

We're inventive, accepting, eccentric

And yes, I suppose we're a bit bizarre

But if you delight in celebrities taken down

Just because of the way they live

Or you can feel bleak joy in a seaside town

As the rain pours down on your chips

Or you can drink ten pints of Adnams

Without ever breaking your stride

Or repress your emotions and passions

And bury them deep inside

Then I've kept a room in a cramped B&B

With a TV, that only shows BBC2

And I have the keys right here

I've been keeping them just for you

I'm British, as Williams, James, Hattie Jacques

School dinners, roast dinners, massive cakes

I'm British, as a chimney sweep (Chim chim cheree!)

Or a professor in a pith accompanied by Chimpanzees

So if you're down with the Brits then put your hands in the air

But if you'd rather not, that's fine, actually

I mean I don't want to cause too much of a fuss

Well, at this point I'd just like to take a moment to apologise on behalf of Britain for all the things that we've brought to the world

Simon Cowell, for example, and eh, Jim Davidson. Fox hunting. Black pudding. Racism

But most of all, we're all terribly, terribly sorry about Piers Morgan