[Verse 1: Open Mike Eagle]

First I'mma march through the Doubletree

And make all the residents watch I Heart Huckabees

(Yeah)

I'll start five free festivals

For people brave enough to show their IQ test results

(Yeah)

The government should issue people rollerskates

Only optional for the elderly or the overweight

(Yeah)

All politicians should get replaced

So when they lie, somebody's there to punch them in the face

I'll put brushes on everybody's fenders

To free the city budget from shoveling all winter

Less municipal ticketing department powers

And no memorizing street-cleaning parking hours

Make PE instructors show the Figure Four

English professors teach Cappa's verse on Winter Warz

These kind of thoughts should fly like a chopper propeller

But they give all the talkshows to that Costas fella

With this brain I should've been had some mozzarellas

I tried getting attention

I did lots of yelling

[Hook]

You know, goddammit

I'm gonna smash me a watermelon

Think I'm playing?

Somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, black-seeded watermelon

Think I'm playing?

I'm gonna smash me a watermelon

Somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, black-and-green-seeded watermelon

[Verse 2]

Of course I do my shows Double-Dare style

Do you see this ridiculous-ass hairstyle?

I'm bald on the top like Kojak

But curly on the sides like the hairs on my ballsack

Yeah, I put my money where my mouth is

You see how big this motherfucking couch is?

And mainstream America's afraid of me

Shit I taught Jimmy Kimmel his A-B-Cs

Ha, see that wit?

We're evolved from winners

Because sabertooth tigers tried to eat us all for dinner

I'm descended from the ones that were smart enough

To hide in a cave and learn to write in the dark

And stuff

And motherfuck Carrot Top

He carries props

But that's where his merit stops

He's a Vegas lounge act

I'm an astronaut

When I hear his punk-ass gets laughs from shock

I book my own tours

Fuck taking half the box

Ain't talking guns when I say I let the hammers pop

[Hook 2]

You know, goddammit

I'm gonna smash me a watermelon

Think I'm playing?

Somebody pass me a watermelon

A big, fat, red and black seeded watermelon

I'm not playing

Somebody pass me a watermelon

I got a hammer

I'm gonna smash me a watermelon

A big, fat, red, black and green seeded watermelon