Hate Myself - Intellectual

NF exemplifies his deteriorating mental health by going back on his previous critical views of drinking to get away from issues, which he put forward in his 2017 song “Remember This”:

The cure to pain isn’t something you buy at liquor stores

NF is not proud of himself even after his success. He often raps about this, for example in “Leave Me Alone”, he sings about his wife telling him to put his awards on the wall but NF doesn’t feel like he actually deserves it.

In 2016, NF dedicated a song to his extreme work ethics titled “Grindin'.” Having worked towards his music since the age of 12, NF feels as though he is still incomplete after accomplishing his childhood dreams. NF expresses this idea further on “-Interlude-”:

So I literally had everything that I had always dreamed of happening (Yeah), and I felt… I didn’t feel happy at all.–
–'cause I was like, “I’m here, and if this is it, there’s gotta be more for me. ‘Cause if this is it, like, it’s not gonna work.”

Self-hatred seems to be one of the biggest problems Nate is facing in this album. Its presence is felt throughout much of the The Search album and it takes full force in this song.

He mentions self-hatred in several songs from the 2019 album, firstly the opening track “The Search” where he raps:

That’s when I put on my makeup and drown in self-hatred

In “Leave Me Alone,” the next song on the album, Nate says:

But I just leave ‘em on the ground right next to my self-hatred

On “Change,” the song after “Leave Me Alone,” Nate raps about his opinion of himself:

And everyone around me kinda thinks I’m a great guy
But I don’t ever think it so I think I’m a fake liar

Wealth does not comfort NF. If anything, it only has a negative output, as elaborated on in “WHY”:

I kinda feel guilty ‘cause I’m wealthy; why?

When contrasting wealthiness to being poor, NF is referring to his own mental health, rather than currency. Hence, NF is stating that money is not directly linked to happiness. This idea is also recognized in “Nate,” when fame also comes into the equation:

At 27, we’ll make millions, but it’s really sad ‘cause
You learn to realize that none of this will make you happy

Emotionally, NF feels as though he’s dead. While he is physically alive, he seems to have lost his intense passion for life. After “Let You Down” went triple platinum in 2017, he had finally achieved his dream of making it in the music business. He elaborates later in The Search’s tracklist, on “Nate”:

At 27, we’ll make millions, but it’s really sad ‘cause
You learn to realize that none of this will make you happy

NF uses this metaphor to describe how maintaining his previous motivation has been a challenge ever since finding success. This is not the first time he has spoken about ashes in his music; on 2016’s “Oh Lord,” he states:

When I die, put my ashes in a trash bag
I don’t care where they go

It is clear NF has felt this way as far back as April 2018, when he first teased these lyrics via Twitter: