Well my poor old todger is rogered to smudge

Like a battered and blue Pushmi-Pullyu

I once had a bloke refuse point blank to budge

When he parked his red bus up my studio

The things I could tell you about that brigade

They were gruntfuttocks all to a man

I said "Get thee to a nunnery!"

They came back with Italy

Cheap at just seventeen grand

Well the boot made of meat is on my other feet

As I remarked to Napoleon on Elba

That dwarf was so bored that his statue was sore

From abseiling up the walls of his Zelda

One evening he said as he lay on her bed

"If I don't capture Capri by Monday

You can rip me in two, take both to the zoo

And feed me hind legs to a donkey"

Oh the snorkel is soapy, my ankles are ropey

My aunt has no hope of a spleen

I'll lend her a fiver if she and her driver

Come back with the head of the queen

It is worse than I thought, they have used her to snort up

The ashes of lady Godiva

Those blithering fools! It's not Britannia who rules

These days more likely it's China

Oh the snorkel is soapy, my ankles are ropey

My aunt has no hope of a spleen

I'll lend her a fiver if she and her driver

Come back with the head of the queen

Well a simpleton's face is an utter disgrace

Or so I was taught the varsity

Then again, in the main, these were men made of rain

With the skimpiest mental capacity

And my poor old todger is rogered to smudge

Like a battered and blue Pushmi-Pullyu

One evening he said as he lay on her bed

"If I don't capture Capri by Monday

You can rip me in two, take both to the zoo

And feed me hind legs to a donkey"