[Verse 1]

Classified project, moving light

Privately funded silent night

North pole station satellite

Red and white

Laser beams are focusing

Converging on a tyrant king

[Chorus]

New dimensions!

Full of presents!

For the children!

In the trillions!

[Verse 2]

With a little bit of brains

Maybe we can do away

With the lack of candy canes

Make Christmas every day

Through scientific enterprise

Maybe we can open eyes

We can revolutionize

The way we move merchandise

No more naughty, no more nice (It keeps on giving, it keeps on giving)

Just a present and a price (It keeps on giving, it keeps on giving)

It's a pillow, it's a pet (As seen on TV, as seen on TV)

It's a miracle it hasn't happened yet (As seen on TV!)

Oh god, something went wrong

I can't let you see me like this

I walked through the path of the beam

At first I thought I was okay

Overnight my hair turned white

I've been gaining weight

Involuntary spasms

Like a bowl full of jelly

Outbursts of laughter

We must not tell the shareholders

That would be bad

Whoa, something to do with DNA

Something to do with gamma rays

White flowing beard won't go away, go away

Laser beams from outer space

Converging on my mutant face

[Chorus 2]

New dimensions!

Now I'm presents!

Like Pandora!

Oh, the horror!

[Outro]

Body horror, tendons snapping

Ribbons and wrapping, stocking stuffing

Skin is sloughing, bones are bowing

Something is growing, something, oh!

Ah ah-ah-ah

Ah ah ah

Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh, merry christmas!