April 24th, 2021
The day that my life weighed over three tons
I did a little work and got a little drunk
And by 10PM, I was way past done
Had a knife in my hand and the blade on my wrist
A few nights before, I had wrote that final list
Slid the blade down and painted stripes on my arms
Sipped on a pill bottle, I wasn't doing any harm
I kept drinking my pills as a friend called concerned
The one person I didn't wanna burn
But, instead, I lit the match
And told him all my plans
He didn't call the cops, he's a really good man
But I was ready to lose him, I sent him every page
Confessеd that I loved him
I know he doesn't feel thе same
He kept telling me to stop and I just said "leave me alone"
He got tired of my shit and he hung up the phone
I kept taking more pills and I just wanted sleep
And as I drifted off, I remembered I forgot to eat
The Chinese that I ordered, it's from my favorite place
But it sits on the bed as I sink into this state
My mind told me "throw them up
You might have a life to live"
But I shut myself down and I was ready, this is it
I woke up an hour later and I could barely move
Had fifty pills in my system, I was in a different groove
I got up and fell down, my limbs didn't work
But, I kept trying and I saw the devil smirk
I kept falling on my face and my hands still ache
There's a throbbing in my head
And an overwhelming self hate
Why didn't I succeed?
Will I walk again?
Should I call my mom?
Is this all just in my head?
My fingers are slipping as I press on the screen
As my hands shake back and forth
Withdrawals will be so mean
My mom tried to help me walk
But I keep tripping on the floor
If I dialed 911, I wouldn't make it out the door
But I still made the call not caring if I died
But I was starting to get worried
To myself I told a lie
Two EMT's and two cops
Helped me up the wooden stairs
They drove me in an ambulance
I felt like I was floating
I thought I would die there
I was still kind of hoping
They couldn't pump my stomach
Had an IV in my hand
And I said "let God decide
And see where they stand"
April 27th, 2:30PM
I'm in the hospital
I really thought that was the end
I have all these pieces
All these broken pieces
That I don't know how to fix
Who would have known
That night would have come to this
Things are wrapping up now
It's time for another group
With a new found strength
I think I can recoup