I use to know a man named Bert when I was but a lad

He was an old acquaintance of my mom and my dad

I don't think that I met him more than just once

But I still recall him well, I'm no goddamn dunce

And you would not believe what it was that he had done

He blew his own fucking guts out, with his own fucking gun

My folks, they were shocked as you could imagine

When they heard about old Bert, and I said to myself

I said "Ouch! that's gotta hurt."

It happened in the driveway

Right next to Bert's Cadillac

The shot entered through his belly

And it went out through his back

Make no mistakes, No ifs, ands, or buts

All over the brand new asphalt were Bert's fucking guts

Bert's bitch stood spinning, as Bert ate the dirt

And I said to myself "Holy fuck! that's gotta hurt."

Ouch!

But you know what's funny

About Bert's loss of life?

Is that he was getting his gun out

So that he could kill his wife

And there he lay bleeding

His head next to a hub

And all I can say to myself is

"therein lies the rub"

I like coffee, it likes me

I'd like to have some Maxwell House coffee

What do you call this cup of shit coffee?

I'd rather drink from the dick of a goat

I tell you motherfucker that's all she wrote

I like coffee, it likes me

A cuppa cuppa cuppa cuppa coffee

And Maxwell House is the best coffee

I like coffee and it likes me

Cuppa cuppa cuppa cuppa coffee