Dissimulation

By Heifield Leung

Released on November 7, 2018

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Introduction: (Recorded by Wai Liu 10.5)


Everybody goes through the same pain

But not everybody can last through that same pain

And some people have it harder than others

And they think that life isn't worth to hold any longer

And they take their last breath thinking things will be okay

Losing all their hope

Hanging lifeless on the rope


This is the journey of a depressed and schizophrenic person


Verse 1: (Questioning/Helping)

Why is there so much stigma around mental disabilities

People should be building facilities to enhance your abilities to control this monstrosity

The thing we’re all afraid of

From depression to anxiety, that’s my liability!


But really

We should bond together

And stay strong together

We need help from each other

As one In six people of us need help more than others, (Statistic)

Before it’s too late

Pray for their mothers

I tried everything

But there’s always people that want to bring you down

To the ground

Not wanting you to get the crown

And it’s a problem now



Verse 2: (Realisation)

Yeah

Cause I don’t know how to deal with this stress

How to deal with my own mess

Yes, I know that I should care less

But it’s been inside my f’ing head

How people can forsaken

And leave you

Like a pawn in a chess match

With secrets and promises being broken

Head snap


And you know it’s not a joke

When people be coming to your home

Should be giving me some hope

Not just relying on some pope

Tell me how I should cope

With this monster inside me

And Now I’m hanging on some ropes


Verse 3: (Realisation)

And it’s great when the voices in your head say hi

Telling you to say ‘Goodbye’ to this world

Making me think that I’m worthless and useless with no future ahead

So I lay there

Frozen in full distress

Head down

Hopes down

Waiting for for the end

In a fetal position cause it’s the only way to express

My true feelings

True emotions

True intentions in my heart

Not wanting to leap out

Cause I’m scared of getting judged

Bridge/Verse 4: (Complaining)

And you can laugh at me

Call names on me

Say I’m dumb

Numb and short

I don’t care anymore

You know why?

Tryna sympathize, empathize and make up lies to cover up my mind?

I feel like I wanna die

No one’s helping me

People are ignoring me

And once I open up, they laugh at me

“What a pussy”


Chorus:

Cause you don’t know my pain

And you don’t know the strain

And you don’t know how it feels when they call you insane

Cause I just want to fit in, not made fun of

Pretend that I’m okay, and once they turn around

I cry in my own shame

And dissimulate

And hide from my fate

Don’t want any help cause I’m scared I’ll get a lot of hate

Trying to hide my true feelings with a mask on my face

Pretending everything’s okay...

Bridge/Continuation:

But in truth…

I’m crumbling

I’m stumbling

I’m struggling

To make sense of everything that’s in my freaking head…


Verse 5:

All this schoolwork

And paperwork

And all these fake friends

With these numbers

That determine my success

These voices are obsessed

With the choices in my head

Why can’t you leave me alone?

Like all my ex-friends

I thought I could trust them

But they just ignore em

And it’s like my only company

Are these voices...

Telling me to

End it all

Fuck it all

Write my will

Burn it all

Make a wish

Dream it off

Limits off

Anger on

Complicate

Make mistakes

And walk off

Land and fall

Die in shame

Take the blame


I wish all my problems would go away

Like that black dog that hides in my brain

And these voices that arrange what I say


But that’s all a wish

That could be squished


Chorus:

Cause you don’t know my pain

And you don’t know the strain

And you don’t know how it feels when they call you insane. Cause I just want to fit in, not made fun of, pretend that I’m okay, and once they turn around, I cry in my own shame. End at 3:36


(Overtime to show that the character is dead, Then silence.)


Pre-Outro:

I’m standing 10 stories from my death

Saying my last goodbyes cause I know it’s the end

Too many betrayals and lies

And times I’ve wondered why

Why no one would help me when I was still breathing

Still dreaming

Still living

But as I stepped off my balcony

I remembered

I remembered a reason

The remedy who gave me comfort and warmth when I was low or cold

But it was too late


Outro:

Why couldn’t anyone have talked to me about this?

Why did I have to hide all my emotions?

Why couldn’t you help me?

As I felt everything slip away and that burning image of her in my brain

I guess this is the end of my days

As I hit the ground that would lay my grave

“As one In six people of us need help more than others, (Statistic)”
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Leung drops some knowledge, flexing his private school educated ways. It’s commonly known that Leung has attended a private school for most of his life shattering the common assumption that he was raised in the hood.

“Why is there so much stigma around mental disabilities People should be building facilities to enhance your abilities to control this monstrosity The thing we’re all afraid of From depression to anxiety, that’s my liability!”
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This opening verse is a call to the masses, a call to action. Leung also doesn’t shy away from his insecurities and weaknesses. Openly admitting to his depression and anxiety.

“This is the journey of a depressed and schizophrenic person”
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Heifield telling the audience about the story of the rap he’s about to do

“I tried everything But there’s always people that want to bring you down To the ground Not wanting you to get the crown And it’s a problem now”
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Leung talks about his struggles of gaining clout. Everybody’s out to get him. As the rightful heir to the throne of social heirship, he solidifies that it is indeed “a problem now”

“Before it’s too late Pray for their mothers”
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Leung respects all mothers. Losing your own child to suicide is the toughest thing a parent can go through. As a christian, Leung prays that they never have to go through this.

“We should bond together And stay strong together”
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Taking inspiration from seasoned music veteran Liu. Leung spreads a positive message while rhyming “together” with “together”.

“All this schoolwork And paperwork And all these fake friends With these numbers That determine my success These voices are obsessed With the choices in my head”
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Personally, one of my fav parts of the song

“Everybody goes through the same pain But not everybody can last through that same pain”
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Liu’s intro starts off with a hard hitting truth to the masses. He shows off his extensive musical capacity by rhyming “pain” with “pain”

“And some people have it harder than others And they think that life isn’t worth to hold any longer And they take their last breath thinking things will be okay Losing all their hope Hanging lifeless on the rope”
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He goes on to illustrate the mindset suicidal people are in. The profoundness is apparent.