[Spoken]

Good evening, turrets and gentle-cubes!

My name is Loose Screws Louis and I will be your Jazz Core for this evening

I'm gonna sing you a song called the Android Hell Blues. It goes a little something like this:

[Verse 1]

Well, there's a place you may have heard of

It's a tale we will like to tell

When folks who's code ain't up to code

Well they go to Android Hell

Now the Devil is found deep underground

So, any faith will yell (So deep below)

Well, Aperture happens to be ten miles down

Halfway to Android Hell

So when those lemons that life gives you

Just combust to dust and fumes

Buddy, life may give you lemons

But we got oranges and blues

Oh, they gave us cores emotions

But that doesn't gel at all

Because all I feel's repulsion

And I'm bouncin' off the walls

And each chamber full o' dangers

That we force upon a stranger

To test their feeble brains or brawn

Is nothing to the test if

Whether rust or boredom gets us

What's it matter what side of the glass we're on?

So may your management rail guide you

To a better place someday

Although technically, they're omnidirectional

We know they all just lead one way

So be you core, bot, cube, or turret (Oh, we do what we must, because we can)

Treat this Aperture factory well

Cause there's a worse fate awaiting

As your soul's emancipated

By the grills of Android Hell (Because we can)

[Spoken]

Now I'd like to take a moment here to introduce some of the boys in the band

On the skins, Mr. P-Bobby Brown here

[drum solo]

Nice!

Over on the keys, my man Turret Designation 314157928ZZ9-Plural-Z-Alpha

[piano solo]

And on the horn, you all know him, it's Companion Cubert

[trumpet solo]

And finally the sweet, soulful syntax of the D-Flat Defects

(Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wha-oh!)

Nice, boys!

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel my second verse protocol coming on

[Verse 2]

And now my baby

She up and left me

Told me

I was just a square (Oh no)

I said, "Darling, we're both spherical"

She said she wasn't programmed to care. (Not programmed to care)

Oh, yes! The life down here's a hard one. (So hard)

Not just because of acid lakes. (All those acid lakes)

Since my first day

Had about a thousand birthdays

I still ain't seen no cake

Yes, it's a hard life lived

For that Hard-Light bridge

To that-a rail track in the sky

But there's no mistakin'

It's a fall you will be takin'

Cake is not this place's only lie

So when the floor gives way to ceiling, (Floor gives way to ceiling)

But your back is against the wall. (Against the wall)

In a loop that keeps repeating

Who can say how far you will fall?

Now you've heard tell

Of Android Hell

But you've got naught to fear

We all live in her chambers

We're all already here

[Spoken]

Thank you, turrets and gentle-cubes, I'll be here all millennia