[Intro]

The general mood's suggestive of deliberate deception

The reception's underground, which means you cannot get reception

Though the sandwhiches look lovely, you have cause to be suspicous

And the terrier beneath your chair is likely to be vicious

The occasion's the occasional reuinion of my kin

The spawn of both original and plagiaristic sin

Yes, all the withered branches of my rotten family tree

And if you cast your eyеs about, here's who you might see

[Verse 1]

Therе's funny old Uncle George who married a gorgeous woman he received in the post

And a host proposing a toast who can boast of a very novel way of getting drunk

A Buddhist monk who dresses as a punk and swears he was a donkey in a former life

And Méabh his wife who carries a knife and sleeps in the garden shed

There's Uncle Fred who was dead for a minute-and-a-half who laughs with half his face

Next in place is Cousin Grace whose pacemaker picks up Radio 4

By the door is Great Aunt Flora dressed up like a pearly queen

Cousin Jean by the Japanese screen is hovering over the food

Completley nude

[Verse 2]

In a lilac snood is Aunt Gertrude who appears to survive on gin and prayer

Auntie Claire has a pink wheelchair but prefers to ride in a market trolley

Cousin Molly can show you on the dolly where she swears a werewolf bit 'er

She's a knitter and a babysitter, which I think is a bad idea

Great Aunt Clea comes every year although she died in '82

Uncle Cthulhu has jumped in the pool, who would think he was such a swell?

Cousin Nell has been through Hell and frankly come out looking much better

Her red setter in a festive sweater drinks sherry from a goldfish bowl

Like Cousin Noel

[Verse 3]

Aunt Hepzibah drives a vintage car which seems to run on laughing gas

There's that lass whose eyes a glass, she's wearing a hamster on her hat

Uncle Mat once married his cat and his pattern baldness looks like the face of Jesus

It pleases uncle Croesus, who lost his shirt

Cusing Gertie's getting flirty up against the skirting-board

With that Lord who's wearing a sword, although he's dressed as a naughty nurse

Driving a hearse and carrying a curse is Malachi, who prefers the dead

It's been said he's off his head and he lives with a pet giraffe (Pet giraffe)

Just for a laugh (For a laugh)

[Verse 4]

Daphne and Dougie the unrelated twins are riding in a buggy and commiting mortal sins

Winsome Winnie is spinning like a top, which is her idea of modern dance

Cousin Fancy's chancing her arm with a charming man; who was clearly framed

And crouching by the buffet is my brother, who must not be named!

My painfully shy sister Sinéad is wearing a dress that her boyfriend made

He's called Philippe and admits they sleep in seperate beds, of which one is mine

Drinking wine from noon 'til nine before she switches to pure cocaine

Is Cousin Jane who flies a plane and lives in a town called Bude

With Aunt Gertrude

[Verse 5]

Cousin Judas is quite as rude as a man can be without causing offence

Aunt Hortense spares no expense when it comes to buying the right umbrella

There's that feller, was a bank-teller, decided one day to rob himself

And Rob himself is dressed as an elf and trying to snog Maureen

Deer little Oisin is seldom seen in the daylight hours since the fatal night

Aphrodite, she's quite flighty; her sister was always the pretty one

One night for fun she took a gun and finished off the man she wed

Now he's dead and she shares her bed with a stolen carousel horse

That's called 'divorce'

[Outro]

At the head of the table Auntie Mabel lays a white rose wreath

For Mr Black who is sadly lacking, buried as he is six feet beneath

Families are conspiracies of memories and lies

Still, it's strange that Cousin Jane has Uncle Gordon's eyes

In a jam-jar