[James Van Der Beek]

Drop the beat

[Round 1: James Van Der Beek]

They said I'd battle Randall Park, and I was like, "Oh

I guess that's what happens when you can't get John Cho"

Don't expect me to slay, but the truth is I'm astounding

You're Fresh Off the Boat — get back in it, you're drowning

Let me sum up every Randall Park interview:

"Randall, what's it like working with Constance Wu?"

All that time at the gym, but you're still afraid of the dark?

Man, I just hit a Randall right out of the park

[Round 1: Randall Park]

You couldn't handle Randall, I'm a boss on the beat

My flow fresh off the boat, got Dawson up shit's creek

Without a paddle, don't even try to battle, don't bore us

'Cause I'ma do you like Bruce Lee did Chuck Norris

You're wack, a fading teen star, and that's a fact

Difference between you and Kirk Cameron is he can act

In fact, this wannabe Patrick Swayze can't phase me

And if I gotta bring it back, best believe I'm Team Pacey

[Round 2: James Van Der Beek]

I first saw you in The Interview, where you played Kim Jong

In a movie that almost got our whole country bombed

Then it went into theaters and it actually bombed

Only people who bought tickets were your dad and your mom

I saw your [rap sheet from?] the '90s and I almost threw up

But I'm happy to see how Data from The Goonies grew up

I got four kids now and a beautiful wife

Like Varsity Blues, yo, "I don't want your life"

[Round 2: Randall Park]

I'm an Asian man excelling in a white man's industry

You're a white man in a white man industry failing miserably

How's that even possible? You're so damn white

Favorite flavor pumpkin spice, eating kale every night

You probably think Uggs look nice, you know that I'm right

I bet you liked La La Land way better than Moonlight

So maybe, holmes, quit, 'cause you know that you're pissed

I'ma be like Katie Holmes and act like you don't exist

[Round 3: James Van Der Beek]

They say you're Chinese on your show, and it's good, we're all agreein'

But in case you didn't know, hey, Randall, you're Korean

Feel the impact like a crash test dummy

He was in the show Love, but he gets none from me

I knew from the start this wasn't a fair fight

I loved you in Trainwreck, not the movie, your life

So laugh all you want at my Dawson's fame

When I walk down the street, at least people know my name

[James Van Der Beek & the crowd]

When I say Van Der, you say Beek

Van Der, Beek!

Van Der, Beek!

Van Der, Beek!

[Randall Park & the crowd]

When I say Randall, you say Park

Randall, Park!

Alright, let's see what I can come with off the top of the dome

[Round 3: Randall Park]

Van Der Beek, man, you're weak

Your fanbase is so old, they still dance cheek-to-cheek

Yeah, I'm speakin' on this white-bread preppy little bitch

Got me wondering, am I battling Abercrombie or Fitch?

Now you're on a show where you're playin' Diplo

Does he know that waiters hate you 'cause you always tip low?

At least you're still handsome, and that is legit

The offspring of Ryan Gosling and a pile of shit