[Round 1: Jesse Tyler Ferguson]

When they offered me the star of This Is Us, I said, "Sure"

I was disappointed when it wasn't Mandy Moore

Your show's too sappy, you bawl at the rehearsals

It's sadder than a Sarah McLachlan dog commercial

Your Sean Spicer impression is the life of the party

Wait, hold on a second, that's Melissa McCarthy

Your career is hot, and I bet you feel great

Well, honey, give me a call when you get to season eight

[Round 1: Chrissy Metz]

You and Eric Stonestreet are cute, it's true

But how you let a straight guy play gay better than you?

I saw your Carpool Karaoke, you sing like trash

When they picked up Audra and Jane, they should'a left yo' ass

You said I look like Melissa when she plays Sean

At least I don't look like a giddy leprechaun

Yeah I'm big [?] or whatever you call it

You know what else is big? My motherfucking wallet

[Round 2 : Jesse Tyler Ferguson]

Your show's about family dynamics, and it's good

But I liked it the first time, when it was called Parenthood

It revolves around family and all ties together

That's been the plot of Modern Family forever

I'm a real actor doing Shakespeare in the Park

And when your show is cancelled, you're gonna live in the park

I tried to warn Chrissy, but now she gets crushed

I'm a winner, you're a loser, that's a real This Is Us

[Round 2 : Chrissy Metz]

Jesse's real confident and you have to ask why

He talks a lot of shit for a guy in bow ties

You lost five times to a Best Supporting Actor

And you just play yourself, so maybe that's a factor?

You're so pale, do you tan often?

Forget about the closet, when you comin' out the coffin?

You fly around making noise like a mosquito

You answer the question "What if milk fucked a Cheeto?"

[Round 3: Jesse Tyler Ferguson]

It's funny 'cause your last name just makes sense

Because you're just as awful as the New York Mets

Your show is full of flashbacks and emotional cues

And it's even more depressing than watching Fox News

It's the TV-equivalent to singing the blues

Like going against Game of Thrones for Emmys, you'll lose

Make fun of my hair, but those disses are tired

It's red for a reason, I lit the scene on fire

[Round 3: Chrissy Metz]

Modern Family stooge, it's history uncanny

But you always get upstaged by a kid named Manny

You're not very funny and you're actually deadpan

How are you gay, but still play a straight man?

And now I'm gracing covers of magazines

You're basically the background when you're on screen

You try to hurt me with a bunch of lame words

I'm like a car with no steering, you can't handle these curves