Hello, I'm a Mac, and I’m a PC

You can see me in homes wherever you happen to be

Not to mention landfills and a couple of dumps

Because you need to be replaced every couple of months

Macs on the other hand last for years

Because it takes you that long for you to dry your tears

When you realize you spent enough to renovate some rooms

And the only software you can run is iTunes

I got software that can do anything

From run the space shuttle to help you sing

They help you write when you get stuck, invest and make a quick buck

Millions of titles, yeah, and all of them suck

They got a clunky interface and they waste too much space

And they crash so damn much your table needs a leg brace

You really should try a Mac, sorry, but no I won't

You think I like the iMac and iPod well iDon't

Hello, I’m a Mac, and I'm a PC

And I run all the best games in the industry

Well I got games too, dude, what's with the greed

I can run Snood, that's all I really need

What about Office? At my job we've got to

I can run Office, I just choose not to

I can get by with Open Office and with Google Docs

They're completely free to me and also they completely rock

PowerPoint is powerless and pointless like a butter knife

Outlook always leaves me with a crappy outlook on life

Excel only excels at crashing with is absurd

And all the other apps suck too...WORD!

I'm doing just fine without any of that crap

In face my Mac doesn't have a single Microsoft app

So, what, you want a medal? What do I care?

Try getting some songs off of your iPod there

Don’t tell me that you never crash ’cause I'll call shenanigans

’Cause you freeze in place like a room full of mannequins

I've seen you when it happens, you sit there and smile

And watch the pretty colors spin around for a while

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC

And I’m a Linux box, heh, well obviously

The fact that you're a toaster kinda gave it away

So how's life as an appliance treating you today?

You can mock me, but you'll never stop me, I got game

Only toaster on the planet that can claim to run MAME

Compiling my operating system's a breeze

And I can burn toast as easily as DVDs

You compile your own OS? Dude are you nuts?

You trust Microsoft to do it and you're calling me the yuts?

You wouldn't catch me doin' that unless you gave me a lobotomy

So we agree on something, now go away you bother me

("I'm a PC" cameos, in order of appearance: Stan Gregory, EMC from Positive Attitude, A-Log, Michael Fordice, Alchav, Jered Perez, Brian Risner, Mario Camou, Ken Sherlock, Odd Austin, Eric Brown (as Donald Duck), Kristi, Sam Hill)

How many PCs we got around here anyway?

Group: YO!

I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes

Hello, I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC

And I'm more affordable than he will ever be

Well you get what you pay for, oh don't start

You paid for a computer and got a piece of modern art

Well you're about the ugliest thing I've ever seen

And have the blue screen of death burned into your screen

You're overpriced, underpowered, and slower than soccer

With more kernel panics than Orville Redenbacher

*achoo* Well what have we here?

Better renew your antivirus software another year

I'll bet that you're regretting all those links you clicked

A marriage counselor couldn't resolve that conflict

Well I can download porn, yeah so can I

The only difference is that I don't get a virus when I try

You got a stupid mouse, you got window pains

You have to bow to Apple's whim, you're where the error reigns

Well you suck, well you suck more

Your mother wears army boots, what are you, four?

You big meanie, what, you gonna run home and cry

You're a stinky poopy-head, I know you are but what am I?