* each Chorus repeat uses the next smaller currency on the list

[Chorus] *

HEY this is Christmas, I hope we don't miss this

My kids have half of Wal*Mart on their wish list

But I'm flat broke so I scrape and I scrounge

All around, hey now, found a quarter/dime/nickel/penny * in the couch!

Alright, book of matches for mommy

[Devo Spice]

Things are pretty lean this year and I fear

That there may be a real lack of holiday cheer

Unless I come into some money, like if I won the lottery

Or joined a blood bank, and dug into an artery

Cause right now I just haven't got a dime

Out of work, out of money, and I'm running out of time

And I don't know what to do, man, haven't got a plan

The way it's goin our house will be as festive as Iran

Most people shop at Toys 'R' Us or at the mall

I'm at the dollar store and can't afford nothin at all

I dig deep into my pocket to see what I can find

Excuse me, what can I get for two buttons and a piece of twine?

Hey there's a toy car with some dents

And only three wheels, but it's marked down to ten cents

Now if only I had that much money I'd be set

Guess it's time to raid the fountain to see what I can get

[Chorus]

Cool! Now I can get my daughter that gumball she's been wanting

[Devo Spice]

Maybe this won't be so bad after all

I just need to get creative when I deck the halls

Like instead of a tree, I'll use that broom over there

And hang some pantyhose by the chimney with care

Outdoor decorations won't be hard

I'll tie a branch on my dog and make him stand in the yard

Poison ivy works as well as mistletoe can

And for dinner we're gonna have a big ol' ham

Sandwich that we'll have to split five ways

And it's gonna have to last for a couple of days

And the trimmings, yeah, we're gonna have all of 'em

Popcorn balls, potato chips, and M&Ms

I can't afford eggnog or any other perk

But I found a little three month old milk that oughta work

And I think I still have a fruitcake from last year

Around here somewhere, Merry Christmas, dear!

[Chorus]

This is going right to Grandma and Grandpa

I'll tell them to go to the casino and play the nickel slots

Maybe they'll win a dollar

[Devo Spice]

But then my kid come to me with a list, and I think

That there's no way in hell I can afford any of this

I say I'm sorry but I'm broke, there's no way that I can swing it

And she says, that's okay daddy, Santa Claus will bring it

And I feel my confidence rebound

And know there's no way in Hell I'm gonna let my kids down

Cause children and family are what it's all about

And besides, what's one more mortgage on the house?

Paperwork filed, rate's locked in

Forty-seven signatures later I begin

When I'm done shoppin I'll be payin an amount

For around thirty years so I better make it count

For the girl, a life size walk-in doll house

With a robot maid and a butler named Klaus

For the boy, I'll get him a race car bed

One that actually drives and has cool tire tread

For the baby, I'll get him this big pneumatic

Type swing thing with toys, the Neglect-O-Matic

And the wife, what woman could ask for any more?

She likes shoes so much, now she owns the damn store

For me, maybe I can finally get

That private jet, nah, maybe I'll just get a 'Vette

I'm up to my pancreas in debt, but hey

What can I say? It's the American way~!!

[Chorus]

Okay, I can put this on the train tracks and

Let a train run over it and give it to my son

Then he can have his own mutant, squished...

Portrait of Lincoln... or something