You could count on Splinter Cheeks Johnson to cheer

A utility player for his whole career

He ate sunflower seeds & he chewed bubble gum

He made sure to save all the other guys some

He put his uniform on every day

Sat in the dugout, and shouted hooray

He would sign autographs after a game

Nobody ever had heard of the name

Eleven hundred plus fifty-two

Consecutive games...oh the bubbles he blew!

Not one single inning did he ever play

He worked hard to keep himself out of the way

They won a World Series & he got his ring

Got sprayed with champagne it was the craziest thing

He got to ride in the next day’s parade

A full share of the World Series pot he was paid

In case you might wonder, and most people would

They kept him around because he was good

He always moved over, with excellent form

The spot that he vacated always was warm

Splinter Cheeks one time was sent out on deck

The streak on the line, his nerves were a wreck

The batter ahead of him made the last out

“Way to go Splinter Cheeks!” nobody shouted

Splinter Cheeks Johnson was always prepared

Quick to react if trouble should flare

He was always willing to take one for the team

From his secret stash of hemorrhoid creme

But Splinter Cheeks Johnson’s body wore out

It was sad to see but there was no doubt about it

He would start to lose steam by the top of the fifth

His eyelids got heavy and his posture would drift

Splinter Cheeks Johnson was taking a nap

He’d covered his eyes with the bill of his cap

A murderous foul ball bounced off his head

They carried him out, Splinter Cheeks he was dead

The Splinter Cheeks Johnson baseball card set

A nickel is probably the most you could get

He had no statistics to put on the backs

Not even any interesting facts

You could count on Splinter Cheeks Johnson to cheer

A utility player for his whole career

He ate sunflower seeds & he chewed bubble gum

He made sure to save all the other guys some