Just because I have bad hair doesn't mean that I'm polyamorous

("Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you for a while...we're poly now.")

There is something very [disturbing grunts]

About polyamorous couples

It's never who you want to be polyamorous who's polyamorous

You're never like, oh sweet!

It's usually the guy at the Verizon store

Who wears vests to parties

The kinda guy who'll neg you at like a continental breakfast buffet

But not even confidently neg you

Like, midway he'll try and desperately shove his hand into his pocket and miss

His hand's like a Romanian woman trying to seek sanctuary in an 18th century French church

You know a guy got into Radiohead too young if even his pocket rejects him

I'm poly!

And when they tell you it's with such glee

Like a dog dropping a rodent carcass at your feet

Like, this only benefits you and is menacing to me

And everyone else

It's never who you want to be polyamorous who's polyamorous

You're never like, oh sweet!

You're usually like, could I get helicopter to take me to safety?

[Spoken intermission]

COUPLE: It's so nice to see you, but...we do have something real quick that we just need to tell you about

CHRIS: Oh, sure tell me!

COUPLE: We're polyamorous! [cackling] Did you know that humans aren't naturally monogamous?

[Singing]

I should have known how you kept going on

About how welcoming the burlesque community's been

I sensed something conspiratorial before

But I just thought you were gonna try and get me to play a board game or something

Side note, board game couples give off

An even more menacing vibe than poly couples