I’ve been hammering nails into this coffin

The same way I’ve been hammering these doubts into my head

Hoping each one would be the last so I can start living at last

But it’s hard to live when you keep

Looking over your shoulder trying to outrun your past

‘what’s done is done’, I tell myself

My splintered hands agree

But each time I try to bury it the inconsistencies are all too clear

Between action and conviction

Between laying my cards on the table and the longing to keep them hidden

It’s a gamble that’s for sure

No-one said that it would be easy

But I think I’ve grossly underestimated the challenge of vulnerability

I want to bare my chest and let you in

But my ribs are working against me

Like boney fingers restricting my capacity

To beat down these walls I’ve build so well

You see I’m an expert at liberty until it costs me something

‘take heart’, I hear your words through the discord of unbelief

But I keep wresting with ghosts that I thought were dead

Dear saviour, pilot me!

‘fear not, I have overcome’, your promise still ringing in my ears

But does it still hold true, I’ve got to know

Is your faithfulness still independent of my own?

Because I could use some reassurance now

That my regrets are stirring underground

I’ve been digging up graves in my sleep

The same way I’ve been digging up old versions of myself

That I swore I’d laid to rest

And although I detest their resurgence it comes as no surprise

Aren’t we all creatures of habit?

I subconsciously reanimate every fault that you’ve forgiven

Each time I turn away from trusting that it is finished

I want ambiguity, but I’m given absolution

What’s done is done despite my incessant

Questioning the goodness of God has become my expertise

Like I’ve obtained omnipotence, but in reality

Humility eludes the defensive

But the broken and contrite will not be left empty

But I can’t deny that the gravity

Of unrestrained disclosure terrifies me completely

And when I imagine that tree, bloodstained

I can’t help but think it was meant for me

But the ink has dried, the concrete’s been set, the debt fulfilled

The new dawn has broken and the word has been spoken

The court adjourned, the war has been won

And the new creation born into victorious freedom

And you said

‘take heart’, I hear your words through the distance I’ve self imposed

But I keep looking for an escape that I don’t need

Make steadfast these wonderings!

‘fear not, I have overcome’, your promise I cannot forget

And all my excuses dissolve in the flood of acceptance I could never expect

I see your body rent in two

Still I can’t give an honest answer to a simple ‘how are you?’

The blood flows, I hold my breath

Teach me transparency while I still have time left