Growing up I wanted to be

Just like you

You was my role model so I acted

Just like you

From the way you dressed

To the way you talked

To the cars you drove

To how you walked

I know you never knew this

But I worshipped everything you did

I never had a dad

So you automatically got the bid

Always thought you were mom's favorite

The way she went out of her way

When she got up in the middle of the night

And drove to you in the Bay

Even when I moved in

I thought that you was super cool

Dopest job and dopest kids

Living rich and not in the grid

The schools you picked

And where you lived

The life you built

Was what I wanted

I know it's wrong

But you was my idol

Thought we'd always get along

And you could never

Never ever hurt me

And even when I was a fool

And acted in my childish ways

I just wanted your attention

Wanted to be cool always

I was scared of being left

Of being stuck all on my own

Guess I was a fool for that

Cause I'm the one that cut you off

I've hated you for long enough

I can't really keep this up

This pain is making my life tough

Jesus said to let it go

But I'm struggling with that

Cause our squabble started with mom

And your disrespect in fact

Your presence always stirs up qualms

This is all I'm finna say

So might as well just let it out

Anger is real justified

The way you brought my darkness out

The way you accused me of hurting mom

Suggesting that I could kill her

The way you tried to step to me

The way you tried to piss me off

The way you tried to bully me

Told me that I was worthless

Hatred is so new to me

I have never felt before

I'm sure you heard on Navigate

I just wanted to leave you sore

Now I know that was Satan

And I can't never let him in

Tryna be a child of God

That means that I'll still act like kin

I'm sorry for that hate I spewed

Know it divided like Berlin

Tryna make my mama proud

That has been my goal since Hope

See His glory in my will

My mind's on Him you know that's dope

Jesus can you be the father

That you know I never had

So I won't seek validation

From broke and shameless people

Who will never have my best at heart

And hurt in ways that leave me scarred

Will you accept the mess of me

And love me when I decide to leave

Will you be there arms wide open

Standing, waiting with reprieve

I know I'm like that son in Luke

Who's selfish, greedy, and unworthy

But your grace is everlasting

You love me and it is eternal

This weight of loss is so heavy

Still miss my mama every day

The pain of hate is like a levee

And my future's like a river

Jesus help me break this off

I know your mercy gives me peace

Lord you know I love you

And this ain't my mother's faith

You found me in that hospital

When I tried to take my life

And again in boarding school

When all I felt was pain and strife

Once more when mama died

When I found her hollowed out

I pray for healing every day

Pray that I can become new

Give me grace so I can say

I forgive you