[Spoken Intro]

I believe in the zodiac! Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic

This is something a little mor- something a little morbidly ironic: my grandmother, uh, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab

This is a song about the idea of irony, so strap in!

[Verse 1]

My dog's stomach was very upset

So I put him in the car and we went to the vet

And on our way to the vet

I killed a cat

[Chorus]

Hey, I said

Isn't that ironic?

[Verse 2]

I adopted a child from overseas

To rescue him from child labor factories

And on his very first birthday

We went to Build-A-Bear workshop

[Chorus]

Isn't that ironic?

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

[Verse 3]

A waterpark is burned to the ground

And a, a tow truck has broken down

I always used to cry when I laughed

And then I was raped by a clown

[Chorus]

Isn't-

That's ironic

[Verse 4]

I was watching Al Gore on CNN

He was talking and talking and talking, and then

Out of boredom

My pet polar bear shot himself

[Chorus]

Isn't that ironic?

[Verse 5]

I dated an animal rights activist

And one day she got really pissed

Because I was eating veal

That was wrapped in pita bread

PETA? Fuck it

[Chorus]

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

[Verse 6]

Yeah, I'm a stand-up comic

And I always sit and slouch

And I got my girlfriend pregnant

On my sterile uncle's pull-out couch

[Chorus]

Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C

[Bridge]

Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk

You've probably never taken a risk in your life

And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold

On the board game market

A little kid died from suffocation

When he choked on a game piece from Operation

And I can't grow a beard

That one's not ironic

That one's just sad

Oh, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

[Verse 7]

My grandfather had Alzheimer's

And one day we were...