Intro - Intellectual

[Part I]

[Intro: Narrator]

This is Bo Burnham. He is 22 years old, he's a male, and he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He's isolated himself over the last five years in pursuit of comedy and, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You're an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone, and you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps.

[Break]

Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!

[Bridge: Bo Burnham]

You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny (Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!)

But now, you're contractually obligated (Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!)

So dance, you fucking monkey (Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!)

Dance, monkey, dance! (Bo! Bo, Bo, Bo!)

[Verse 1: Bo Burnham]

Welcome to the show

This is Bo, this is his show

And Bo likes to dance like this

Welcome to the show

This is Bo, this is his show

And Bo takes off his pants like this

Play an invisible drum

Play an invisible trumpet (Trumpet sound)

Drink some invisible water

Oh shit, that water's real!

[Post-Verse: Bo Burnham]

Bo wants to make you feel comfortable

Bo wants to make you feel comfortable (Random voice)

Bo wants to make you feel comfortable

So sit back, relax, and enjoy

A healthy dose of—

[Refrain: Bo Burnham]

Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)

Prolonged eye contact

Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)

Lick your lips to make it more comforting

[Verse 2: Bo Burnham]

Do you want to see a magic trick? (Yeah)

Then pick a card, any card, psych!

Magic isn't real, you idiot (Read a book)

Magic isn't real, or is it?

[Interlude: Bo Burnham, Troll & Pentacorn]

And at that moment, Bo's 20-year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world

It's a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you want to do first?

Run? Yeah, sure you can run

Fly? Well, yeah, you can fly

What? What are you— What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Stop. S— Stop it. The fu— You fucking idiot. Stop. Stop. Stop

Anyways...

In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy

A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school

He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard

Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by

The troll spoke thus:

"Alright, for the last time, man: I'm not a troll, I'm homeless. Okay, do you have any spare change? Okay, that's a used napkin. I don't want that. No, no. Stop, just— You know what? Leave. Just leave. Please leave."

And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage

He saw a unicorn, with five horns, right in front of him

And the pentacorn spoke thus

"Hello, Bo

I've been looking for you for quite a long ti— oh!"

He was safe... for now. But the dark thoughts would soon return

(It's Godzilla!)

It's so hard to be a lizard

It's hard to be a lizard (What did we do God? What did we do) (He killed my wife)

Tiny arms, itchy gizzards ("That monster killed my wife! Why is he singing!?")

It's hard to be a lizard (He's a monster) (Why!?)

But it's harder to segue

[Verse 3: Bo Burnham]

Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn?

Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn?

Is he skiing? Huh? Or is he in a gay porn?

Here's a hint, he’s in a gay porn

Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying

So give them the real thing

My voice is so fucking natural

It's naturally good, naturally good

Naturally good

This is the end of the song at the beginning of the show

Welcome to the show!

[Part II]

[Skit 1: Bo Burnham]

That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid

We're uh- recording part of the CD tonight

And yeah, good to start off with 8 minutes of mime jokes, for the CD

I want to start off with a joke for the fellas

I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience

As well as I do with my, uh, prepubescent girls

Where my fellas at!? Fellas!?

Yo fellas, don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick

And he ends up being a faggot?

Am I right?

These fucking faggots with their tasty dicks

Alright, um-

If you'd like to leave during the show

The exit signs are marked clearly in red

Sort of an orangish, reddish, fiery red

So we'll be fucked if we need them

But we can see them now!

Um, this show is called "what."

And I hope there's some surprises for you or some—

Oh, Jesus, I knocked the water over by accident, um—

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]

He meant to knock the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought it was an accident

But he meant to knock the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Art is a lie, nothing is real

[Skit 2: Bo Burnham]

So it's called "what."

And uh, it's about

Hey, cool it, hey

[Chorus: Bo Burnham]

He meant to knock the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought it was an acc—

[Skit 3: Bo Burnham]

Take it off repeat, it won't

This is the good thing

We can edit all this

In the actual CD recor-

[Verse 4: Bo Burnham]

He meant to play the track again

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought it was an accident

But he meant to play the water track a-

Gain, gain, gain

Art's still a lie, nothings still real

[Skit 4: Bo Burnham]

What's the deal with segues?

Uh, food jokes

Let's do some food jokes

How you guys doing in the nosebleeds?

Up-top?

Yes, the nosebleeds

Where the cocaine is done

I had a hot dog for breakfast in Madison actually this morning

Yeah, afterwards I felt like this

Uh, gulp, gulp

Because I couldn't control my stools

Alright, Jesus

For the people listening, I moved the stool around a lot

This is going to get difficult

But I'm glad you like poop-based puns; they'll be a majority of the show

[Outro]

Never waste a moment!

Every moment could become a comedy moment!

See, uh, thank you so much

I um, so just a little lesson for comedians

Um, this first song is called "A World on Fire"