[Intro]

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter

[Verse 1]

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class

Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass

I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too

Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?

I just wish I was queer so I could get

[Chorus]

Chicks dig guys that are

Queer guys that don't dig

Chicks that don't dig guys like me

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

[Verse 2]

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be

Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony

Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity

But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry

Scoring with a supermodel would be easy

'Cause supermodel means voluptuous but also is synonymous with superdumb

Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become

That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair

No, it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear

I wish I was queer so I could get

[Chorus]

Chicks dig guys that are

Queer guys that don't dig

Chicks that don't dig guys like me

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

[Verse 3]

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes

The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean

See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline

No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen

I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like thith

And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway

And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet

I wish I was queer so I could get

[Chorus]

Chicks dig guys that are

Queer guys that don't dig

Chicks dig guys that are

Queer guys that don't dig

Chicks dig guys that are

Queer guys that don't dig

Chicks that don't dig guys like me

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

[Outro]

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly