It was the finest waterbed that megabucks could buy

Carved from solid ebony, it stood two meters high

It had every single option, and it came with scuba gear

But Joey made a boo-boo when he filled it full of beer

Oh, please don't bounce, my darling, you'll churn it into foam

I love it when you do that, but it makes the mattress groan

I can feel the pressure building and it's messing up my head

Those tremors that you're feeling aren't passion, they're the bed

Now Joey was a hardy man with but one poor desire

He needed him some women who could set his nights on fire

But Nature played him rotten; he could never be a stud

With the soul of Casanova in the bod of Elmer Fudd

The ladies thought him wonderful, quite charming and elite

And not a one would kiss him on the lips or on the cheek

The day that he'd made up his mind to be a monk instead

He walked into the store and saw that vision of a bed

Oh, please don't bounce, my darling, you'll churn it into foam

I love it when you do that, but it makes the mattress groan

I can feel the pressure building and it's messing up my head

Those tremors that you're feeling aren't passion, they're the bed

So Joey bought the mattress and he rubbed his hands with glee

"For surely this here waterbed will bring the chicks to me!"

But waterbeds are common and no longer make 'em swoon

They still thought he was charming and still stayed out of his room

So Joey had another thought: "To make my offer new

I'll drain out all the water and I'll fill the bed with brew

Then even if I don't get laid, at least I'll have a treat

To while away the hours while I lie and beat my...head against the wall."

Oh, please don't bounce, my darling, you'll churn it into foam

I love it when you do that, but it makes the mattress groan

I can feel the pressure building and it's messing up my head

Those tremors that you're feeling aren't passion, they're the bed

The bed was now an item and Joe finally hit on one

Who said, "Sure, I'll come home with you for beer and sex and fun!"

It stunned him into silence, for he'd never heard a "Yes"

He knew he'd hit the jackpot when she started to undress

He just could not contain himself; he leapt upon the bed

They bounced and rolled and tumbled from the foot up to the head

The mattress churned and rumbled, but the action didn't stop

Till Joey gave a shudder and the mattress blew its top

Oh, please don't bounce, my darling, you'll churn it into foam

I love it when you do that, but it makes the mattress groan

I can feel the pressure building and it's messing up my head

Those tremors that you're feeling aren't passion, they're the bed

The force of the explosion blew the windows out for miles

The only thing they found was her, and she could only smile

And as for Joe, we hope he's in a fine and pleasant place

Despoiling alien women as he rides his bed through space

Oh, please don't bounce, my darling, you'll churn it into foam

I love it when you do that, but it makes the mattress groan

I can feel the pressure building and it's messing up my head

Those tremors that you're feeling aren't passion, they're the bed