In Kalevala the main man's name was Väinämöinen

His fame was growing in the creation of strange noises

He trained his voice mainly for the sake of enjoyment

And sang poignant verses without gainful employment

Väinämöinen could spin a phrase in a way that venerates

The first generation of men, in a wave

Of inspiration that creates a sense of inner faith

In the Finnish nation in the days when this sinful age

Of impatient whims begins to blaze like a burning house

And just like "murder will out", his verbal clout

Was heard about through word of mouth

From up North down to dirty South

Now the young Joukahainen heard of Väinämöinen's fame

And became jealous, cause he was newly trained in

The same verbal games, and really, who could blame him?

The fire of youth burned like a blue flame in Joukahainen

Who decided to arrange a duel to attain an

Even greater name than Väinämöinen, who was ancient

Joukahainen's parents rebuked and forbade him

To leave, but their pleas didn't do much to faze him

Joukahainen amazed them and brazenly boasted

"I know you both say that it's crazy and hopeless

But hey, I'm not afraid to get roasted

In this day and age the best way to get noticed

Is to take the most famous poet's name and expose it

As lame; Väinämöinen's a vain, inflated vocalist

So I'll take his inflated vocal vein and explode it

And someday I'll be praised, celebrated and toasted"

And without wasting a moment, Joukahainen departed

For Kalevala, the home of Väinämöinen, his target

And, far from feint-hearted, for three days he charted

His way at a hard pace and came to the unguarded

Gates of the garden of Kalevala at last

But he wasn’t paying attention to the road, and he crashed

Into Väinämöinen, who was traveling on the same path

Like two locomotives head to head on train tracks

Before Joukahainen even had his strength back

Väinämöinen blasted him and gave him flack

And asked him for his name and to explain the crash

And he answered plain, "I'm the young Joukahainen

And I heard there's a vacant-headed, gum-toothed vagrant

With a reputation here, so I've come to defame him"

Väinämöinen remained cool in the face of these rude statements

Like a true statesman, and smoothly replied

"I'm in no mood to be crucified

For the sake of stupid pride, boy, so move aside"

But Joukahainen viewed this a shrewdly disguised

Attempt to neutralize his youthful stride

And he refused to buy it: "Why should I move aside?

I suggest we duel to decide who can best utilize

Words, with verses verbally beautified

To decide the dispute, and let the loser move aside"

Väinämöinen sighed, "'Verbally beautified?'

You certain deserve to be verbally brutalized

Since you devised this war of words

To satisfy your thirst to divide orators

For sport; all right, fine, you're first

Let’s see what you got”

Joukahainen's verse went like this: "My knowledge is deep

I polish speech to demolish the weak

When I listen to politicians' policies I fall asleep

All in all I'd rather follow an ecologist's lead

And listen to the swishin' of fish in the lawless seas

My vision is flawless, even in the bottomless breach

I see what the walrus sees, and feed on mollusc meat

In the halls of seaweed the narwhal acknowledges me

I perceive the raw qualities of all I can see

From the beak of the bald eagle at the peak of the tallest tree

To the niche of the swallow that swallows the smallest seed

It all follows the pull of the dog-eat-dog creed

And if you can not compete then you're obsolete

So why not concede defeat and leave Kalevala to me?"

Väinämöinen scoffed, "These are all falsities

If your 'knowledge is deep' then it's hollow indeed

All I see is a wallow of bottomless greed

That colours your speech like a black shadow

As your words crash and rattle; you asked for this battle

So get off the path if that's the last of your babble"

But Joukahainen hadn't traveled this far to get dismissed

And his next verse reflected his desperate recklessness

He said, "I know you're locally respected – great

But it doesn't take much to see you're just a fake

Like snow, I'm an avalanche; you're just a flake

You get money like a church: in a collection plate

I'm destined to get paid, while you're destined to beg

Like a drug-addicted veteran with a prosthetic leg

Allow me to demonstrate why youth is better than age

I collect wages while your memories fade

Intellectually I gaze on unlimited space

While you're afraid and inhibited; you live in a cave

This place is too big for you; it's a pitiful waste

You should just give it away and start diggin' a grave"

In the face of this insolent rage, Väinämöinen's

Patience and poise turned to plain annoyance

He said, "Trust me boy, your lust for fame is poison

What's the point of making poems when you can't enjoy them?

And what's the point of entertaining when you've got the lame voice

Of a teenaged boy, who came to join in

The game just to make noise and be a pain, showing an

Absolute disdain for the ancients, going in

The face of their ways and the dues paid and owing them?"

Now, Joukahainen was growing impatient and sour

From humiliation and shame, cause he'd wasted his power

And been laid naked in the space of an hour

So he tried to save face with the grace of a coward

"Okay, I don't have the tricks to match wits with a lord

So I guess I'll just have to ask my fists for support

And strike a dissonant chord with the tip of a sword!

Besides, violence is a more difficult sport

So keep your piss-poor lyrics cause now this is a war!"

But Väinämöinen had heard this before, and in spite

Of his magnanimous nature he couldn't stand to bite

His tongue, or dirty his hands in a fight

So his adrenaline ran, and he began to recite

Lu-e-kamme kasi katehen

Sormet sormien lomahan

And the land was transformed; the lake covered with waves

Rocks cut away from cliffs as they started to break

The sound made the ground beneath shudder and shake

And the mountains rumbled, as if under the plates

Lay a powerful thundercloud with a stomachache

Joukahainen was afraid and he tried to run away

But he suddenly felt a heavy weight on his legs

And in less than a minute a lake fit for drinking

Became a gray swamp with dead fish in it, stinking

And in the end when Väinämöinen was finished singing

Joukahainen found himself stuck in it, sinking

Then his courage began shrinking and caving in

And he started whimpering, thinking of nothing but saving his skin

As arrogant and brave as he'd been to begin with

Joukahainen now found he had to placate his nemesis

Since he was in a quick-mud pit with limited

Options; the stuff was too thick to swim in it

He said, "I may have been a bit of a rude bastard

Too fast to challenge the skills of a true master

But you have to forgive me; I was enthusiastic

But all I wanted to do was be like you, that's it

Please don't let drown in this nasty ooze casket!"

And Väinämöinen laughed, "Ooh, that's too bad kid

But you have to admit, you did ask for it

And now you're desperate, beggin' me to set you free

I guess my question is, what's in it for me?"

And Joukahainen started offering up guns and tools

Horses and mules, plots of land, money and jewels

As his body sank deeper under the mud of the pool

But Väinämöinen wasn't moved by these petty concessions

Cause he never had any use for pretty new possessions

And Joukahainen knew he would never get assistance

Unless he was ready to give something really precious

As he felt the wet caresses of swamp water

On his neck, with his last breath he made a strong offer

He said, "My father was blessed with one daughter

And he taught her to cook and clean and do chores

And I promise you, if you want her, she's yours

I'm sure she'd rather marry you than see me a corpse

Just get me out of this horrid green porridge!"

And Väinämöinen smiled, utterly delighted

And recited a verse, and Joukahainen glided out of the swamp

And alighted on the shore, and Väinämöinen warmly invited

Him to visit, once he and the boy's sister were united

Joukahainen returned home, ashamed and embarrassed

And announced to his parents his sister's arranged marriage

And his sister complained in badly-strained spirits

Like, "Väinämöinen was old and had a strange appearance"

But Joukahainen's mother just congratulated her

For finding a man greater than the saps who dated her

She said, "Väinämöinen is famous and has a way with words

And besides, look at your father and I, we made it work"

But Joukahainen’s sister did not marry Väinämöinen

She turned into a fish, but that’s another story