[MORTICIA, spoken]

She's perky

[GOMEZ, spoken]

She's bubbly

[MORTICIA, spoken]

She's optimistic

[GOMEZ, spoken]

Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA]

We taught her to hunt

[GOMEZ]

We taught her to aim

[MORTICIA]

We gave her a bow

[GOMEZ]

We gave her no shame

[MORTICIA]

We gave what we had

[GOMEZ]

Made sure she was bad

[BOTH]

Did all that we could to keep her sad

[GOMEZ]

We told her to stay away from modern jazz

[MORTICIA]

We gave her that week long trip to Alcatraz

[GOMEZ]

We promised she'd be equipped

[BOTH]

And filled her crypt with woe

What'd we know?

[GOMEZ]

We took her to funerals in the morning mist

[MORTICIA]

We took her to slaughter houses

[GOMEZ]

Schindler's list

[MORTICIA]

We taught her to scowl and sneer and domineer

[GOMEZ]

On cue

[BOTH]

So, what did we do?

Where did we go wrong?

[GOMEZ, spoken]

Are we good parents?

[BOTH]

Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA, spoken]

Are we cliché?

[BOTH]

Somewhere in between

Guilt and guillotine

We forgot to notice that our daughter lost her way

Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA]

And can we fix this?

[GOMEZ]

Maybe it's a passing phase

[BOTH]

But if she's going wrong

Then what will change her ways?

[GOMEZ, spoken]

That's it! We cancel the dinner, bolt the doors!

[MORTICIA, spoken]

We'll circle the wagons

[GOMEZ, spoken]

And give these "goody-licious" Beinekes the boot!

[MORTICIA]

We must intervene

[GOMEZ]

We shouldn't delay

[MORTICIA]

She's barely eighteen

[GOMEZ]

So what do we say?

[MORTICIA]

We know the occult

[GOMEZ]

That's certainly true

[MORTICIA]

We're to consult

[GOMEZ]

Morticia, with you

[MORTICIA]

So why all the fuss?

[GOMEZ]

My darling, discuss

[MORTICIA]

She needs only us

[GOMEZ]

It's us, only us

[MORTICIA]

We've always been there for her

To swear for her

[GOMEZ]

Discourage dental care for her

[BOTH]

Do well for her

Excel for her

Make home a living hell for her

So, "Where did we go wrong?"

Is not the question

Resolute and strong

Is our next move

[GOMEZ]

We'll tell her today

[MORTICIA]

Do what we say

[BOTH]

Send all the Beinekes back to the fray

Turn them away at first sight

And that's where we'll go right

(spoken)

No dinner tonight!