[Brandon]
Guys, I need your help!
[Saverio]
Brandon, quit being a bitch
[Brandon]
No, I'm being serious
I'm in some real deep shit!
[Mike]
Aw crap, is your dick stuck
In a Chinese finger trap?
[Brandon]
No!
I met a girl on a superficial dating app
[Saverio]
Is she hot?
[Brandon]
Yeah dude! She's like a nine!
Here's a picture of her
[Mike & Saverio]
Goddamn she fine!
[Mike]
The only way this could be a bad thing
Is if you were gay
And I don't think you are
So why the hell you acting this way?
[Brandon]
A little bit of fibbing
Put me in this shitty position
I might have lied in my bio
And now she thinks I'm a musician
And she thought that I was hot
And she wanted to meet up
Now we're going on a date in half an hour!
[Saverio]
He's fucked
[Mike]
Don't say that!
[Brandon]
Come on, guys
I came to you for help
You need to make me a musician
I can't do this by myself!
[Mike]
This is a long shot
You're throwing from half court
[Brandon]
Mike, you know piano
Can't you just give me a crash course?
[Mike]
Damn it, Brandon!
I can't make a man a pianist like magic
It's gonna take practice
So we're gonna have to find the instrument
That you can learn the fastest
[Saverio]
Something really cheap and easy
That'll make you seem attractive
[Mike & Saverio]
And lucky for you
We just happen to have it
[Brandon]
The fuck is that?
[Saverio]
It's called a ukulele
A useful tool of music
To help you seduce the ladies
[Mike]
Having one of these with you
Makes it so easy to score
That with only four chords
Hoards of whores can be yours
I promise, it'll work
[Brandon]
I don't know if I believe you
[Saverio]
You hear that, Mike?
Brandon says he needs proof
[Mike]
Just sit back and relax
[Saverio]
We'll tell you 'bout the time we
[Mike & Saverio]
Took a crazy vacation
To the state of Hawaii
[Saverio]
So we were sitting on the beach
And Mike says to me
[Mike]
Yo, let's try to get some booty
From these hula dancing hoochies
[Saverio]
Long story short: it didn't go well
The bikini babes see us and they tell us
[Bikini Babes (Mike & Saverio)]
Go to hell!
[Mike]
We must be ugly or something
But fuck it, whatever
Let's hit the gift shop
And something to make us feel better
[Saverio]
In the corner of the store
In an orderly display
Were some genuine article ukuleles
[Mike]
So we paid the man eighty-nine dollars
My hopes of getting laid are fading away
'Till I hear Saverio say
[Saverio]
I've got it!
It's clear that we don't have enough sex
But I think that we just bought ourselves
The key to success
So we went back to the beach
To those shawties in the sand
[Mike & Saverio]
This time with a ukulele in our hands
[Mike]
We stood real proud
With our backs to the shore
[Mike & Saverio]
And we jammed out
To the world's easiest chords
[Saverio]
First chord: all the girls stop and listen
[Mike]
Second chord: all the girls' tops go missing
[Saverio]
Third chord: all the girls get so horny
[Mike & Saverio]
By the fourth chord
We started a Hawaiian beach orgy
[Mike]
She do the hula on my dick
And she ain't even getting paid
[Saverio]
She putting flowers 'round my neck
I'm about to get laid
[Mike]
Got that pussy on a platter
And I'm about to eat up
[Saverio]
I go HAM on her pineapple
Call that a Hawaiian pizza
[Mike]
Didn't know it was December
It's Mele Kalikimaka
And every breast is a present
She letting me lick her tatas
[Saverio]
Got a volcanic erection
It's flowing over with lava
I'm going nuts for her coconuts
Treating me like 'ohana
[Mike]
Props to all my Lilos and Stitches
Pimp game difficult
But I know the cheat codes and glitches
[Saverio]
Cheap hoes and bitches
Swallow my potential babies
[Mike & Saverio]
All cause we rolled up
And played the ukulele
[Brandon]
Holy shit, did that actually happen?
[Saverio]
Well, what can I say?
It's a gadget of passion
[Mike]
It's the simplest instrument
And it's practically magic
[Saverio]
You could play a thousand songs
Without having to practice
[Mike]
Here's a paper with a couple written lessons
[Mike & Saverio]
And we'll be right behind you
If you have any questions
[Brandon]
Fuck yeah!
Me and this girl are gon' get it on!
Cut to us sitting at the restaurant
[Waiter (Saverio)]
Bonjour
What would you like order this evening
[ Tinder Girl (Morgan Lyons) ]
I'll take a tofurkey salad
With very light seasoning
[Brandon (Overlapping)]
Tofurkey salad...
Very light seasoning
Yup, I want that
[Tinder Girl]
Oh hey!
We ordered the same thing!
[Brandon]
Yeah, what do you know!
We must be mentally linked
So
What do you do for fun?
[Tinder Girl]
Well, I volunteer a lot
I collect handguns...
[Brandon]
Wait, what?
[Tinder Girl]
And in my spare time
I like to watch GDP
What about you?
[Brandon]
Uh
Same!
Yeah yeah, I'm totally into that
Yeah
[Tinder Girl]
Wow, I've never met another person
Who was into German Dungeon Porn
[Brandon]
Yup
I love it
[Tinder Girl]
So you said that you were
Gonna sing a song for me?
[Brandon]
Oh yeah!
That's why I brought this thing along with me
[Tinder Girl]
Ooh, how cute, a ukulele!
I'm all ears, so go ahead
What did you wanna play for me?
[Brandon]
Alright Brandon, the moment of truth
A bold soldier on his own
Armed with only his uke
Do this right
And the girl across the table is your lover
No more hesitations
Time to do this mothafucka!
[Tinder Girl]
That
Was interesting
Wait, what's that sound?
[Mike]
Ooh uh oh
Shit's going down
[Tinder Girl]
I hear the soft jangling of strings from afar
Holy shit, that guy has a guitar!
[Douchey Guitar Guy (Nathan Moore) (Underneath following)]
Your eyes
And your butt
Your eyes
And your--
[Brandon]
Guys, you told me this was fool proof!
[Saverio]
But this was unexpected!
[Mike]
An unprecedented failure!
[Brandon]
But I did what you directed!
I brought the ukulele
And I played the four chords!
[Tinder Girl]
Yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours
How long did it take you to play?
[Douchey Guitar Guy]
You know, couple days
[Tinder Girl]
Ooh, your arms are so big
Your so strong
[Douchey Guitar Guy]
Oh, well thank you! I lift
I lift boobs
I mean, weights
All the time
[Brandon]
Fuck!
[Saverio]
That's what I call really bad luck
[Brandon]
She left me for a guitarist!
I bet he only knows those four chords
[Mike]
Yeah, he's probably retarded
[Brandon]
What's the fucking point
Of using datings apps
If you can lose your date
To a douchebag in a beanie cap?
[Saverio]
So, what are you gonna do?
[Brandon]
I'm gonna go home
And jack off to her profile pic
Fuck that guy
Here’s how this transpired at the recording session.
We had an in tune ukulele that we had already used to record for the Hawaiian beach orgy. The plan was to not teach Brandon how to actually play the famous four chords and give him one take to fuck around aimlessly with the ukulele.
I had to leave because I had forgotten something at my house (something that I did FAR too often). When I came back, Saverio told me that he had successfully taught those four chords to Brandon. Apparently I never actually mentioned my intention to keep that information from him. I listened to Brandon play the progression once, gave him the old “here, let me see that real quick” and yanked every last string on that thing a mile out of tune. The poor man no longer had a shred of hope to sound passably skilled with the ukulele.
We hit record and gave him one pass with just the ukulele, and then another of him trying to sing something over the mess of plucking. I believe we achieved optimal levels of suck through these methods, we’ll be publishing a thesis paper on it within the next four years.
-Mike
Things Tinder is good for:
-Looking at sexy people
-Thumb exercise
-Discovering what types of people are attracted to you
-Venting your innate desire to judge people based on shallow first impressions without having to deal with the real life repercussions that come with rejecting somebody face to face.
Things Tinder is bad for:
-Talking to people
-Going on dates
-The things that Tinder is designed for
Take this song as a cautionary tale children. Don’t go on Tinder dates.
-Mike
Okay so when we got together to record this, we knew that Brandon’s date had lines, but we didn’t consider who was going to perform them. We thought about just having one of us do an obnoxious girl voice on some Monty Python shit, but we eventually landed on the decision that our only girl character deserved to be voiced by a girl.
We suddenly collided with the brick-wall of a reality that we know zero girls. We all dug through our contacts for somebody we knew well enough to ask them to take the lines and we came up completely empty handed. We were total dweebs in high school, the only girls we talked to were in drama club, and that was onstage with lines of dialogue.
I’m exaggerating a little bit, there was ONE name that came up: our friend Morgan Lyons. Intelligent. Gorgeous. Well humored. Brandon’s ex girlfriend. Fuck. Is it weird if we ask her to come here and pretend to be on a date with Brandon? Is that weird? That’s kinda weird. We shouldn’t ask her that. That’s weird.
We turned to Twitter.
Half an hour went by. Morale was low. Rations had been consumed much faster than anticipated. Things looked bleak.
But then, a shimmer of light. Saverio had made contact. There was somebody on this Earth who wanted to be a part of what we were doing.
It was a guy. He said he’d do a girl voice. Apparently that shimmer of light was from the fire burning our last semblance of hope that we’d get a girl to reach out to us. One option remained.
Beg Morgan.
To our relief, she came right over. We thanked her for being willing to help us and told her about our Twitter failure.
Morgan responded with something to the effect of “I actually saw that tweet. I thought it could be fun and I was gonna volunteer, but I was out doing things, and I figured there’d be other people who’d take the part. Then Brandon texted me and before I even read the text I knew exactly what it was going to be about.”
Recording a scene where Brandon does a terrible job on a date with Morgan might be my second favorite moment from a 3st recording session. I’ll save the first for another story.
So yeah, thanks to Morgan for dropping whatever the fuck she was doing to save our pitiably uncharismatic asses.
-Mike