[Brandon]

Guys, I need your help!

[Saverio]

Brandon, quit being a bitch

[Brandon]

No, I'm being serious

I'm in some real deep shit!

[Mike]

Aw crap, is your dick stuck

In a Chinese finger trap?

[Brandon]

No!

I met a girl on a superficial dating app

[Saverio]

Is she hot?

[Brandon]

Yeah dude! She's like a nine!

Here's a picture of her

[Mike & Saverio]

Goddamn she fine!

[Mike]

The only way this could be a bad thing

Is if you were gay

And I don't think you are

So why the hell you acting this way?

[Brandon]

A little bit of fibbing

Put me in this shitty position

I might have lied in my bio

And now she thinks I'm a musician

And she thought that I was hot

And she wanted to meet up

Now we're going on a date in half an hour!

[Saverio]

He's fucked

[Mike]

Don't say that!

[Brandon]

Come on, guys

I came to you for help

You need to make me a musician

I can't do this by myself!

[Mike]

This is a long shot

You're throwing from half court

[Brandon]

Mike, you know piano

Can't you just give me a crash course?

[Mike]

Damn it, Brandon!

I can't make a man a pianist like magic

It's gonna take practice

So we're gonna have to find the instrument

That you can learn the fastest

[Saverio]

Something really cheap and easy

That'll make you seem attractive

[Mike & Saverio]

And lucky for you

We just happen to have it

[Brandon]

The fuck is that?

[Saverio]

It's called a ukulele

A useful tool of music

To help you seduce the ladies

[Mike]

Having one of these with you

Makes it so easy to score

That with only four chords

Hoards of whores can be yours

I promise, it'll work

[Brandon]

I don't know if I believe you

[Saverio]

You hear that, Mike?

Brandon says he needs proof

[Mike]

Just sit back and relax

[Saverio]

We'll tell you 'bout the time we

[Mike & Saverio]

Took a crazy vacation

To the state of Hawaii

[Saverio]

So we were sitting on the beach

And Mike says to me

[Mike]

Yo, let's try to get some booty

From these hula dancing hoochies

[Saverio]

Long story short: it didn't go well

The bikini babes see us and they tell us

[Bikini Babes (Mike & Saverio)]

Go to hell!

[Mike]

We must be ugly or something

But fuck it, whatever

Let's hit the gift shop

And something to make us feel better

[Saverio]

In the corner of the store

In an orderly display

Were some genuine article ukuleles

[Mike]

So we paid the man eighty-nine dollars

My hopes of getting laid are fading away

'Till I hear Saverio say

[Saverio]

I've got it!

It's clear that we don't have enough sex

But I think that we just bought ourselves

The key to success

So we went back to the beach

To those shawties in the sand

[Mike & Saverio]

This time with a ukulele in our hands

[Mike]

We stood real proud

With our backs to the shore

[Mike & Saverio]

And we jammed out

To the world's easiest chords

[Saverio]

First chord: all the girls stop and listen

[Mike]

Second chord: all the girls' tops go missing

[Saverio]

Third chord: all the girls get so horny

[Mike & Saverio]

By the fourth chord

We started a Hawaiian beach orgy

[Mike]

She do the hula on my dick

And she ain't even getting paid

[Saverio]

She putting flowers 'round my neck

I'm about to get laid

[Mike]

Got that pussy on a platter

And I'm about to eat up

[Saverio]

I go HAM on her pineapple

Call that a Hawaiian pizza

[Mike]

Didn't know it was December

It's Mele Kalikimaka

And every breast is a present

She letting me lick her tatas

[Saverio]

Got a volcanic erection

It's flowing over with lava

I'm going nuts for her coconuts

Treating me like 'ohana

[Mike]

Props to all my Lilos and Stitches

Pimp game difficult

But I know the cheat codes and glitches

[Saverio]

Cheap hoes and bitches

Swallow my potential babies

[Mike & Saverio]

All cause we rolled up

And played the ukulele

[Brandon]

Holy shit, did that actually happen?

[Saverio]

Well, what can I say?

It's a gadget of passion

[Mike]

It's the simplest instrument

And it's practically magic

[Saverio]

You could play a thousand songs

Without having to practice

[Mike]

Here's a paper with a couple written lessons

[Mike & Saverio]

And we'll be right behind you

If you have any questions

[Brandon]

Fuck yeah!

Me and this girl are gon' get it on!

Cut to us sitting at the restaurant

[Waiter (Saverio)]

Bonjour

What would you like order this evening

[Tinder Girl (Morgan Lyons)]

I'll take a tofurkey salad

With very light seasoning

[Brandon (Overlapping)]

Tofurkey salad...

Very light seasoning

Yup, I want that

[Tinder Girl]

Oh hey!

We ordered the same thing!

[Brandon]

Yeah, what do you know!

We must be mentally linked

So

What do you do for fun?

[Tinder Girl]

Well, I volunteer a lot

I collect handguns...

[Brandon]

Wait, what?

[Tinder Girl]

And in my spare time

I like to watch GDP

What about you?

[Brandon]

Uh

Same!

Yeah yeah, I'm totally into that

Yeah

[Tinder Girl]

Wow, I've never met another person

Who was into German Dungeon Porn

[Brandon]

Yup

I love it

[Tinder Girl]

So you said that you were

Gonna sing a song for me?

[Brandon]

Oh yeah!

That's why I brought this thing along with me

[Tinder Girl]

Ooh, how cute, a ukulele!

I'm all ears, so go ahead

What did you wanna play for me?

[Brandon]

Alright Brandon, the moment of truth

A bold soldier on his own

Armed with only his uke

Do this right

And the girl across the table is your lover

No more hesitations

Time to do this mothafucka!

Ooh yeah

Fuck

Shit

Yeah

Ooh-hoo

Your eyes

And your

Butt

Fuck

Ju--

Fu--

Mm

Fuck

Your bu--

*cough cough

[Tinder Girl]

That

Was interesting

Wait, what's that sound?

[Mike]

Ooh uh oh

Shit's going down

[Tinder Girl]

I hear the soft jangling of strings from afar

Holy shit, that guy has a guitar!

[Douchey Guitar Guy (Nathan Moore) (Underneath following)]

Your eyes

And your butt

Your eyes

And your--

[Brandon]

Guys, you told me this was fool proof!

[Saverio]

But this was unexpected!

[Mike]

An unprecedented failure!

[Brandon]

But I did what you directed!

I brought the ukulele

And I played the four chords!

[Tinder Girl]

Yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours

How long did it take you to play?

[Douchey Guitar Guy]

You know, couple days

[Tinder Girl]

Ooh, your arms are so big

Your so strong

[Douchey Guitar Guy]

Oh, well thank you! I lift

I lift boobs

I mean, weights

All the time

[Brandon]

Fuck!

[Saverio]

That's what I call really bad luck

[Brandon]

She left me for a guitarist!

I bet he only knows those four chords

[Mike]

Yeah, he's probably retarded

[Brandon]

What's the fucking point

Of using datings apps

If you can lose your date

To a douchebag in a beanie cap?

[Saverio]

So, what are you gonna do?

[Brandon]

I'm gonna go home

And jack off to her profile pic

Fuck that guy