[Verse 1: Mike]

I wanna say up front:

I love my lady

She's my light when the skies are rainy

We fucking daily but she's...

Uh, how do I put this

She's fucking crazy!

I swear, she's too possessive

Her paranoia is too excessive

Always on the hunt for some kind of scandal

Let me give you an example

I'm chilling on the couch

With a bowl of Cap'n Crunch

The two of us on Netflix

Catching up on The Walking Dead

Expecting to get head

Turn to my girl and notice that

Her face is beet red

And she said, "Who this bitch?

Why you liking all of her Insta pics?

You tryna double-tap that ass

Behind my back?

Well, you being a savage

And I won't have it!"

I'm like, "Quit bugging!

That's my cousin

She runs a country club in Dublin

That's on the other side of the ocean

So, to negate your notion

No shit, me and her ain't fucking!"

But she's like, "I'm not convinced

Everything I say, you contradict

What, am I not enough?

I'm hot as fuck!

Too thick to resist

But you won't commit!

Fuck you, fuck her

And you don't get to fuck this!"

She slammed the door

And flipped her shit

Now her pink slit is off limits

And I don't even know what I did

But I still gotta get my rocks off

So I grabbed a cab and got dropped off

When my cock's soft

And my balls blue

I know who to make that call to, my...

[Chorus: Zach Hassel]

Side hoe

Give her a call when my

Girl won't

Fondle my balls

No conditions

No strings are attached

So I can just get ass

From my side hoe

[Verse 2: Saverio]

I wanna say up front:

My girl's sweet

But she's too vanilla

I need a freak

So I gave my side hoe a beep

And I told her to surprise me

An hour later I'm

Hitting my side hoe from behind

I call her teeth, because the bitch grinds

Hear a weird noise

Look up and I find

Is...

That a fucking goat?

Why is there a fucking goat in this room?

"You did tell me to surprise you

But that's for later, babe

Just be patient

It'll be amazing!"

I'm like, "No bitch

Tell me what the goat is for."

She like, "Okay, keep your pants on."

Which was ironic

Cause I didn't have my pants on

She left the room and went upstairs

Leaving me and the goat alone

Locked in a dead stare

That's when I realized that

Me and this goat are in the same boat

Something was about to happen to us

But we didn't know what

I'm as confused as the goat is

Me and that animal

Had a real bro moment

Then I hear the side hoe come back

I turn around like, "The fuck is that?"

She's wearing a blowup suit

In the shape of a foot

And I'm like, "This can't be good."

Suddenly she pulls a Glock out of nowhere

I scream like a bitch, but I don't care

She held the gun up

Two shots

Pop! Pop!

I didn't get shot

But the goat dropped

I'm in shock, this bitch is heartless

Side hoe says "Go fuck its carcass!"

"Hell no! That's fucked up!

I'm dipping, bitch! I've had enough!"

So I went home to my girl

And politely asked

If she'd let me put it in her ass

[Chorus: Zach Hassel]

Side hoe

Dial her up

When I need some

Kinkier love

And then things get

Freaky as fuck with my

Side hoe

[Verse 3: Brandon]

I wanna say up front:

I hate my main bitch

She got great tits

But we do the same shit all the time

I only call her mine

Because she got all them dollar signs

She's going out with her girls tonight

Above my head, a bulb of light ignites

She like, "I'll be back at ten."

So I call my side hoe like, "Bring a friend."

Now I gotta wait 'till they get here

The anticipation is killing me

Hi, I'd like to place an order

Two basic whores for delivery

It was that easy

My sex drive is through the roof

Open the door, my jaw hits the floor

I'm like, "That's a lot more than two."

(Indiscernable mob of side hoes)

"Shut up! What the fuck?"

"You said bring friends, is this enough?"

"I said bring a friend, not a fucking army!"

She said, "Who cares?

Let's have party!"

I'm like, "I care, bitch! This is my house!

You and your friends have to get out!"

She like, "But, we all wanna fuck you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I told them that you've got a big dick."

"Let's do this shit!"

I asked for two, I'm about to get thirty

Suddenly my main bitch comes home early

I thought I was dead

Who would've guess that

She'd join in instead

Now it's me and my girl

Plus another forty side hoes

Fucking in a huge ass orgy

[Chorus: Zach Hassel]

Side hoes

Beautiful girls

We need you

You make the world

A much better place

Round of applause

For the side hoes